The Worst Wurst

(Chapter 12 from the book "The Chicken Who Didn't Know Where To Lay Her Eggs")

There weren't actually any oaks at Three Oaks, at least not any more. About 15 years earlier, a tornado had blown through the area one morning in late September and toppled the three oaks that had been there. There had been one on each of three corners of the intersection of the Rutledge Road and the Madison Highway. The fourth corner was occupied by a small country store. The tornado had spared the store completely. It had been very precise in its destruction.

Shellie had been through a tornado once. She had been in the house on the last day in March with Paula, Mike, and Dingo. They were all inside because a hurricane was passing through the state about a 100 miles west of them. They had already had high winds and hard rain for several hours. The electricity in the house had been knocked out. They weren't even able to watch television. They all sat in the living room listening to the weather report on the radio, which they at least had a battery for. The weatherman had announced about an hour earlier that a tornado warning had been issued for the area.

Outside, the weather took a sudden change. The wind let up and the rain stopped, but the sky remained dark and gray. Everything became very quiet. Then they heard a deep roaring sound. Mike looked out the window and shouted, "It's a tornado!"

He quickly started opening windows in every room in the house. He said he didn't want the house to explode. Paula grabbed both Shellie and Dingo in her arms. Suddenly, loose papers and other lightweight objects started flying in the air and went zooming out the window. The mayhem only lasted for about 15 seconds and then everything started falling back to the ground. The roaring died down as quickly as it had started. Mike, Paula, Shellie and Dingo peered out one of the open windows. Across the road, no more than 300 yards away, they saw a stand of young pine trees that had been knocked over like match sticks. Mike had remarked, "This year, March can in like a lion and went out like a Lamborghini.

The tornado at Three Oaks had been just as merciless to the trees there. The three oaks had been old trees, nearly 150 years. Someone had planted them back in the 1800s, when the two roads were originally built. At that time, the roads had been little more than dirt lanes for horse and buggy. The fourth tree had disappeared when only about 50 old. No one was sure about what had been the cause of its demise, though another tornado was thought to be the reason.

The fellow who had owned the store there sold it a few years later to Bodo Steinmeier. Bodo was originally from Germany. He had come to the United States about 10 years earlier. He had met a local girl while she was touring Europe, eventually married her, and came back to the United States to live.

Bodo was a butcher by trade. After he came to the United States, he had bought the store at Three Oaks and set up his own business. His specialty was genuine German wurst. When he spoke, he referred to them as "voist". Paula had trouble pronouncing "voist" correctly. She just pronounced the word the way it looked on paper, "worst".

Bodo did a good business. He had the only store for miles around, and his wurst had made a very good name for themselves throughout the county, as well as in several neighboring counties. It wasn't unusual for people to drive 50 miles just to buy his wurst.

Paula dropped by a few times of year for wurst. When her cousin, Tobias, and wife, Nike, who were also from Germany, came to visit, all three of them always went to Bodo's store at Three Oaks. It had become a tradition.

Tobias and Nike had been coming for visits for almost 35 years. They had even come during the few years when Paula and her first husband were going to college in Dallas. There had only been one year they hadn't come. That year had been extremely difficult for Paula. She had had too much to cope with to have guests.

Tobias and Nike had come again this year. They got there during the dog days of August. A few days after their arrival, they suggested that they all ride up to Three Oaks to buy some of Bodo's famous wurst.

After lunch, Tobias, Nike, Paula plus Shellie and Dingo got in the SUV and headed off.

It was a hot and humid day as usual that time of year. Most of the cows, pigs, and horses they saw along the way had crowded together under the best shade they could find. Some were even standing in ponds and water holes to keep cool.

When they got to Three Oaks, all five of them got out. It was simply too hot for anyone to remain in the SUV. With no trees around, there was no shade to park under. Paula let Dingo out into the store yard. He ran over to the narrow sliver of shade cast by the roof of the store.

Paula stuck Shellie under her arm and took her with her. The store owner normally didn't let chickens come in the store, but he had long ago made an exception for Shellie. He even gave her free shelled peanuts from his counter container.

Shellie liked the store. Bodo had decorated it in Bavarian style. Large pictures of the Alps with cows grazing on steep inclines were on a couple of the walls. Shellie wondered if they ever topped over and rolled down hill.

In two corners of the store stood a male mannequin and a female mannequin dressed in traditional Bavarian clothes, lederhosen on the man and a long farmwife's dress on the woman. Bodo had placed a large old horse wagon in the middle of the floor. He displayed various types of smoked wurst there.

Bodo, Tobias and Nike all spoke German. Shellie didn't understand a word of it, but she liked the sound. All she could make out were a few syllables or short words that sounded like "keit", "essen" and "Auto". She liked watching the way Bodo, Tobias and Nike shaped their mouths to make strange sounds that she never heard come out of Mike's or Paula’s mouth. They frequently made short hissing sounds like a very small air pump. Sometimes they pronounced unusual vowel sounds that she had only heard from hoot-owls, mockingbirds, and rain frogs.

Tobias and Nike picked out four different kinds of wurst. One was brown, one white, one red and one gray. Some of them were the size of large bananas and others as small as pickling cucumbers. Even though Shellie was repelled by the idea of eating them, she liked the combination of colors and sizes.

Bodo brimmed with pride at their selection and said in English to Paula. "You're gonna eat good tonight! You've got kah-nock-voist, vice-voist, bloot-voist, oond brott-voist."

Paula smiled and took his word for it. To her, wurst was wurst. She had never made a great effort to tell one from the other.

The owner wrapped the wurst in two layers of wax paper, placed them inside two plastic bags, taped the plastic bags closed, placed them in a large paper bag, taped it closed, and then placed the entire package in a large plastic bag. The side of the bag read "Bodo's Country Store – for Better or Wurst!".

"That should keep 'em cool on a hot day," he said cheerfully. He was always cheerful. Shellie wondered if all wurst-makers were like that.

Paula, Tobias and Nike exchanged a few last words with Bodo and then left the shop. Paula called Dingo. He came running from the shade. His tongue was hanging all the way out and dripping large amounts of saliva. Shellie hoped he didn't drop any on her.

They all got into the SUV and headed back home.

Shellie sat on the lap of Paula right where the air-conditioner vent would blow on her. It felt so good that she closed her eyes and started drifting off to sleep.
Suddenly, Paula groaned, "Oh no! That's all we need!"

Shellie yanked her eyes open. A light on the control panel was flashing bright red.
Paula said, "Looks like we're overheating."

She pulled the SUV over to the side of the road, popped the hood, and got out to take a look.

In a moment, she came back and said, "Well, folks, looks like we've got a problem. One of Shellie's eggs has exploded and caused the radiator to spring a leak."

Shellie looked away as if she hadn't heard a word. It wasn't the first time that she had heard her name mentioned in connection with problems with the SUV.

Tobias and Nike got out and also took a look. Dingo got out as well. The SUV was already getting hot.

Shellie hopped down and went under the SUV. At least there was a little shade there, plus nobody could see her for a moment. She hoped they would quickly forget that her egg was involved.

Nobody said anything right away. They all just stood there staring at the radiator. Steamy water dripped onto the dry, dusty ground at their feet.

After a moment, Paula said, "Here, I'll call Mike. He'll have to come get us."
She got out her cell phone, dialled home, and spoke a few words with her husband. She closed with "We'll be waiting in the shade."

As she put the phone away, she said, "It'll be at least half an hour before he gets here. He's out in the field on the tractor and will first have to go home to pick up the truck and a chain. Looks like we'll just have to find a spot in the shade and sit a spell."

Nike sighed and asked, "What about the voist? It's likely to spoil in this heat."
Paula looked around a moment and then said, "I've got an idea."

She took the bag of wurst out of the SUV, walked down the highway embankment and walked a little ways further in the ditch. Shellie started to go with her until she saw where she was headed. Then she just stayed put. She didn't like going down into places like that. She never knew what kind of creatures might already be lurking there.

"Here's a culvert," she called back to them. "I'll stick them inside. It'll stay cool enough here. At least better than just keeping them under a tree with us."
She slid the bag of wurst inside the culvert and came back.

Paula looked around. She spotted a large tree a couple of hundred of yards down the road.

"Let's go sit under that tree until Mike gets here," she said. It offered enough shade for three people, a chicken, and a dog.

She made Shellie come out from under the SUV and stuck her under her arm.

They all went over to the tree and took a seat on the ground. Shellie scratched around until she had made a small depression in the earth. The exposed soil was moist and was much cooler than the surface soil. She sat down and settled in. It wasn't perfect but it was better than nothing. At least it kept her belly cool.

Dingo dug himself a similar hole nearby.

Paula, Tobias, and Nike talked about this and that for the next half hour or so. Soon, they spotted Mike headed their way in his truck.

Once he got there and inspected the damage, he commented, "Looks serious."

He backed the truck up to the front of the SUV and hooked the SUV to the truck with a chain.

"That'll get us home," he said. "Ready?"

"Don't leave the voist here!" Nike exclaimed.

"Thanks for reminding me," Paula said. "I had clean forgotten about it. Would've had to blame it on Shellie."

Paula walked back down to the culvert and pulled the bag out.

"This heat must be getting to me," she remarked. "This bag seems to get heavier and heavier."

She came back, put the bag in a cooler Mike had in the back of the truck.

Tobias and Nike got in the truck with Mike.

Paula got in the SUV to steer it as the truck towed it home. Shellie and Dingo hopped in with her.

Mike drove slowly on the way home. It took about half an hour to get there.
Once there, Tobias and Nike were exhausted. To them, a hot day was 85 degrees. The thermometer on the back porch read 103.

Paula told them, "You two go on in and cool down. I'll get the wurst and be there in a few minutes."

She helped her husband pull the SUV down into the shop where he could replace the pipe.

She got the wurst out of the cooler in the truck and took it inside. Shellie and Dingo were right behind her. They had had enough hot weather for one day.

Paula placed the bag of wurst in the refrigerator. It was still too early and far too hot to think about supper. There was no need to start cooking until evening settled in.

She found Tobias and Nike sitting in the living room with the air conditioner on full blast. They both had a big glass of ice water.

"It sure is hot out there," Tobias remarked. His face was still red and perspiration was dripping off his chin.

Around 7:00 that evening, Nike decided it was time to cook. She, Paula and Shellie went into the kitchen to get things ready.

Paula let Nike take the lead. She figured Nike knew a lot more about cooking wurst than she did.

Shellie climbed up on her counter perch to watch. She thought about how different Nike was from Desert Doe. Shellie looked at Nike's feet and saw that the two women at least had one thing in common. Both wore sandals. But there was a big difference.
Nike wore socks and she didn't have any ankle bracelets on. Shellie was slightly disappointed.

Nike told Paula what she needed. Paula got her the pans, utensils and ingredients they needed. Nike decided to make a simple potato salad to go along with the wurst.
The two women started peeling the potatoes. Shellie watched them closely. She noticed that Nike peeled the skin off the potatoes in wide strips, just like Paula. She didn't make the light, thin cuts like Desert Doe did.

Once Nike had the potatoes ready said ready, she said, "Now we can cook the voist. Is it in the refrigerator?"

"Yes," Paula replied. "Down on the bottom shelf."

Nike opened the refrigerator door, spotted the bag of wurst, and took it out.
Shellie looked at the bag. She wondered how four people could eat so much wurst. She thought that perhaps it would shrink to half size when they cooked it.

Nike seemed to read her mind.

"My husband may have overdone it this time," Nike said. "There's no way we'll eat this much voist in one meal!"

She placed the bag on the kitchen table, opened it up and stuck her hand in to get the wurst out.

Shellie watched her closely.

Suddenly, Nike turned very pale. Her eyes opened wide and her jaw fell open. She let out a high-pitched screamed.

Paula looked over at her and saw her almost fall backward.

Nike's face was as white as a new cotton t-shirt. She stood there speechless, her jaw trembling. She backed away from the table and stared at the bag.

She pointed at the bag, her hand shaking, and cried, "There's something in there!"
Paula cautiously walked over to the bag. She peeked in.

She smiled and looked over at Nike.

"Don't worry," she said. "I'll take care of it."

She stuck her hand in the bag, grabbed something and then pulled out a three-foot long oak snake.

Shellie felt a cold shiver run down her spine. There was nothing more that she disliked than snakes. She jumped down from her perch and ran behind the living room door.

"He's not poisonous," Shellie heard Paula say. "Just found a cool place to sleep."
Shellie peeked around the door.

Paula stood there with one hand holding the snake behind its head and the other holding its coiled body. The snake looked very sluggish.

Paula said matter-of-factly, "He's cooled down so much he's practically gone into hibernation. I'll take him across the road and let him go. He's harmless."

Paula opened the back door and then turned to Shellie and Dingo, "You two want to go with me?"

Dingo ran out the door. He didn't like to miss any trip, not even if it involved snakes.

Shellie stayed where she was. She felt much safer behind the living room door. She wasn't sure how long it would take the snake to warm back up. When he did, she didn't want to be there.

Paula was gone about ten minutes.

When she came back, Tobias, Nike and Shellie were sitting in the living room. The bag of wurst was still sitting on the table.

Paula said, "Well, no harm down. Ready to finish supper?"

Tobias cleared his throat and timidly said, "We're not really in the mood for voist tonight. Do you think we might go to that Italian restaurant in town?"