What Cats Do

(Chapter 6 from the book "The Chicken Who Didn't Know Where to Lay Her Eggs")


By the time Shellie came along, the cat had already been on the farm several years. She had also gone through a series of names in that time.

She had first been known as Cuss. Later she had acquired the name Pester. Some time after that, everyone referred to her as Socks. She was now called Sigourney.

Sigourney didn't belong to either Mike or his wife. As far as they knew, she didn't belong to anyone in particular. They had checked around with neighbors and other farmers nearby to see if she belonged to them. Most of them said that they knew the cat but that she certainly didn't belong to any of them. It seemed that, if anything, the cat belonged to all of them.

It turned out that the Sigourney made her home at every house in the area at some time or another. She simply showed up one day, stayed for several months, and then disappeared as quickly as she had come. It seemed that she had made a life out of sequential residences.

The first time she had shown up on the farm, Mike had named her Cuss because she hissed at him every time he got near her. She had stayed for about two months and then disappeared. A few months later, Paula spotted her while visiting the wife of a neighboring farmer. On that farm, she had been named Pester.

She then showed up at Mike and his wife again about half a year later. They had called her Socks that time because they had forgotten what they had last called her, and, besides, she had four white feet. After a few more months, she disappeared again. They didn't see her again for almost a year.

The last time she had shown up at Mike and his wife, Tadpole had been there. After they told him how the cat showed up, stayed a while, and left, only to show up again many months later, Tadpole had decided that the cat must be an alien from outer space. He was convinced that she actually had a space ship somewhere in the area and that she stayed on the farm only between visits into outer space. He named her Sigourney after Sigourney Weaver in the Alien movies.

Sigourney had stayed almost three months the last time. Then she was gone again.
She had finally come back one day in November. She seemed right at home. She ate Dingo's food and staked out a corner of his blanket for herself.

Fortunately for Shellie, Sigourney didn't seem to have any interest in chickens, either as friends or as prey. She basically ignored Shellie altogether.

Sigourney was a good ratter. About once a week, she would bring a mouse or rat she had caught into the kitchen. She would place the dead creature on the doormat in front of the dog door.

Paula would always exclaim what a fine prize the dead creature was. She would stroke Sigourney's back and tell her what an extraordinary mice-catcher she was. Sigourney would purr proudly and rub against Paula's legs again and again.

Paula would pick up the dead mouse with a paper towel and tell Sigourney how much she appreciated the gift and that she would save it with all the other mice and rats Sigourney had brought her. Then, when Sigourney wasn't looking, Paula would throw the dead creature in the trash.

Shellie was always somewhat relieved to see Paula do that. The thought of Paula keeping an entire box of dead mice and rat made her uncomfortable.

On a warm day in January, one of those days when a low pressure cell from the tropics pushes its way north of the Gulf of Mexico, Shellie and Dingo were in the kitchen together. Mike was out in the fields for the day and Paula had gone into town to buy groceries. The house was quiet.

Shellie and Dingo were enjoying the unexpected warm weather in the middle of winter. It made them feel relaxed and at peace with the world. Shellie sat up on her counter perch. Dingo lay stretched out in front of his mirror on his blanket.

They heard the dog door make its flapping noise. Sigourney came in. She had a medium-sized mouse with her. She dropped the dead creature on the doormat like always.
Sigourney looked around for Paula. When she couldn't find her, she went over to Dingo. She lay down on the corner of blanket that had become hers.

Dingo preferred not to share his blanket with her, but Sigourney didn't pay any attention to him. She simply rubbed up against Dingo until he shifted to the side a bit, and then lay down, right against him. Dingo didn't look at her. He just sighed deeply. He had learned long ago that Sigourney did whatever she wanted despite what he did. She didn't have any fear of him.

After a while, Sigourney got up. She walked over to Dingo's food and sniffed it. She ate a few bites and then drank some of his water. Then she just stood there and looked around for a moment. Finally, she walked toward the dog door.

Shellie and Dingo thought that she was going out again.

She didn't. Instead, she lay down beside the mouse on the doormat. She stretched out and flicked her tail a few times.

She stayed there for about a five minutes. Then she got up again. She walked back over to Dingo's blanket. She again lay back down on her corner of the blanket. She flicked her tail some more. It kept landing on Dingo's hind legs and tickling his skin. He kicked his legs a couple of times in protest. Sigourney stayed where she was.

But her restlessness continued. She turned on her back, swatted at some imaginary creature in the air, and then turned first to one side and then to the other. After a few more minutes, she got up again. She went back to the doormat and lay down again next to the mouse again.

She again turned onto her back, swatted, and then turned from one side to the other.
Shellie watched her with a small amount of irritation. She wished that Sigourney would settle down and go to sleep. Her restlessness was out of place on such a pleasant day.

Finally, Sigourney stood up, yawned deeply, stretched first her front legs and then her hind legs one after the other. She stood there for a moment, looked around, and flicked her tail. Her bright yellow eyes were wide and wild-looking.

Then she seemed to make up her mind about something. She sprang through the dog door. It made a flapping noise behind her.

By now, Sigourney's restlessness had infected both Shellie and Dingo. They, too, felt the need to get up and do something.

Shellie hopped down from her counter perch. Dingo got up from his blanket.
They went out through the dog door one after the other.

They stood there together on the back porch for a moment. They looked down toward the shop. They spotted Sigourney. She was headed around the corner of the shop.
Dingo trotted off after her. Shellie followed him.

When they went around the corner of the shop, they spotted Sigourney again. She was walking down the road that ran along the edge of the field that bordered the forest and swamp.

Dingo and Shellie followed her at a distance of several hundred yards.
Sigourney kept marching along the road. She seemed to have a specific destination in mind.

She eventually got to the edge of the forest. She stopped for a moment, looked around, flicked her tail a few times, and bounded into the forest.

Dingo and Shellie lost sight of her. But they followed her right to the spot where she went into the forest. Dingo smelled the ground and picked up her scent. He followed it into the forest.

Shellie stayed right behind him. She didn't like going into the forest without Paula there, but she didn't turn back. She felt that she was safer sticking by Dingo's side rather than risking a walk back home by herself. A chicken in an open field was an easy target for hawks, foxes and a lot of other creatures.

After going about 50 yards into the forest, Dingo stopped. Shellie stopped right behind him. They both looked in front of them. They saw a small clearing about 30 feet wide. It was surrounded by pine trees and the ground was covered with the brown grass of January.

They saw Sigourney. She lay there on her back in the middle of the clearing. She once again swatted at some imaginary creature in the air.

Shellie and Dingo watched in fascination. They wondered what she was doing and what she was thinking.

They had been there about five minutes when they spotted something move in the brush on the other side of the clearing.

They suddenly felt fear for both Sigourney and themselves. They crouched down close to the ground and lay very still.

Then they saw what was moving in the brush. It was another cat.

They both relaxed and watched the cat.

The cat came into the clearing. First, it just stood at the edge. It looked at Sigourney, and Sigourney, still on her back, looked back. Neither seemed afraid of each other.

The second cat walked over to Sigourney. Sigourney stood up. The two cats stuck their tails high in the air and walked back and forth, rubbing against each other. They touched noses a few times.

Then they both lay down on the grass.

After another few minutes, Shellie and Dingo saw another movement in the brush. They watched closely.

This time two cats came into the clearing.

Sigourney and the other cat stayed where they were. They seemed to know the two new cats.

The new cats came over and all four cats walked around, rubbed against each other, and touched noses.

A few minutes later, a fifth cat joined them. They all went through the greeting routine again.

Shellie and Dingo sat there spellbound. They had never seen such a thing in their lives.

The five cats then lay down for a while. All five turned from side to side or lay on their backs. They all swatted at the imaginary creature in the air. They seemed to be enjoying the warm January sun.

After a while, the five cats formed a circle. They all sat there facing each other like a group of highly self-assured Egyptian sphinxes.

Shellie and Dingo could hear them purring. The soft, combined sound made Shellie think of the SUV engine, as if it were covered in layers of cotton padding.

Eventually, one of the cats stood up. It stretched its front and hind legs and looked around. Then it left the circle. It disappeared in the brush at the edge of the clearing, right where it had come from.

Over the next few minutes, three of the other cats also left one by one.

Only Sigourney remained. Then she too stood up. She walked over to the edge of the brush where the first cat had left. She disappeared into the brush as well.
Shellie and Dingo sat there a few more minutes, not knowing what to expect. Finally, it became evident that the cats weren't coming back.

Dingo got up and headed back home. Shellie followed him.

When they got back to the house, Sigourney wasn't there. She didn't come back for the rest of the day.

They both slept very soundly through the night. The adventure in the forest had left them extremely tired.

Sigourney also didn't come back the next day, or the next.

Shellie and Dingo looked all around the yard for her, but she was nowhere to be seen.
The days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months.

Finally, one morning in June, Sigourney showed up in the kitchen again. She didn't give them any special greeting. She simply ate half of Dingo's bowl of food and then lay down on his blanket. She flicked her tail.

Pink Tofu at Midnight

(Chapter 5 from the book "The Chicken Who Didn't Know Where to Lay Her Eggs")


Shellie had never been to Sedona, Arizona. Nor did she have any plans to go there. She figured that even though Sedona might be a wonderful town and a fine place overall, she was very happy right where she was. The farm was big enough for her.
Still, she had learned quite a bit about Sedona. She knew all about the Sinagua Indian ruins, the Red Rock Country, the art community, the vortex meditation sites, and the spiritual retreats. Sometimes, she even felt that she knew more about Sedona than about the farm.

Her education in all matters Sedona had started two years earlier. That was the first time since Shellie had hatched that Desert Doe had come to visit. Desert Doe also came the next summer. And now she was coming for the third time.
Mike and Paula had never made it to Sedona, even though Desert Doe had invited them numerous times. They always promised they would go, but the right time just never seemed to come about.

So Desert Doe came to see them. When she came, she usually stayed for a couple of weeks. Every time she came, she brought something new with her. Last time it had been wasabi-coated peas. She had snacked on them constantly. She had offered Mike and his wife some, but they had declined. Shellie had found one that had fallen on the floor. It had looked very tasty. She had scooped it up with her beak and swallowed it whole. Within two seconds, her throat was burning as if she had swallowed a sword of fire. She ran to her water bowl and drank until it was almost empty. Her craw had a burning sensation far into the next day.

Shellie had never met anyone quite like Desert Doe. Sometimes she found it hard to believe that Desert Doe was actually Mike's sister. Desert Doe was completely different from Mike, and from anyone else that Shellie knew. In almost every conversation Desert Doe had, she managed to mention at least once that she had scored 176 on an IQ test.

Mike's usual comment on that was "The only thing sharper than her mind is her tongue."

Paula was of a more tolerant opinion. She merely said that Desert Doe was one of a kind. Shellie had to agree with her.

When Desert Doe came to the farm, she spent most of her time talking about arts and spirituality. As far as Shellie could remember, she had never heard Mike or his wife talk about such things, unless you counted Sunday morning when they went to church. Even then, most of the talk was about whether they thought the preacher and his family would show up unexpectedly for supper that evening. Otherwise, the majority of their talk was about the crops, the farm animals, fishing, hunting, football or baseball.

Desert Doe never talked about those things. If Mike or Paula tried to change the conversation to one of their favorite topics, Desert Doe would find a way to swing it back to a Sedona topic.

Her favorite Sedona topic was vortex sites. That was also how she made her living. She worked as a guide who took tourists from all over the world to visit the Sedona vortex sites. That's also where she got the name Desert Doe. All guides had to have a "native" name, and one of the local Indians had picked out the name Desert Doe for her. Her real name was Charlotte, but she no longer allowed anyone to call her that. She only used that name when she had to file her income tax form or pick up an unemployment check. Desert Doe usually spent about half the year unemployed. That was one topic that Desert Doe almost never mentioned.

After Desert Doe's last visit, Shellie figured that she knew everything a chicken could possibly want to know about vortex sites. She knew the differences between upflow vortexes, inflow vortexes and combination vortexes. Shellie had learned so much about vortexes that she thought that, just perhaps, she might find some in the farm yard.

Shellie had checked out every corner of the farm yard to see if she might find a vortex. After she had heard from Desert Doe about how powerful and transforming a vortex could be, Shellie had decided it might be well worth it to find one.
But she didn't have any luck. All she had found was some earth left upturned by moles and earthworms. She had scratched around in the upturned earth to see if any vortexes would come out. They didn't. All that had come out was a couple of earthworms. Shellie had immediately caught them and swallowed them. She figured they were as good as a vortex, at least as far as a chicken was concerned.

When Desert Doe arrived the third year, she brought a guest with her. Mike called the guest "the boyfriend", but Shellie wasn't sure what his relationship with Desert Doe really was. Desert Doe never referred to him as her boyfriend. She simply said that he was a "good companion." When she spoke of him by name, she always referred to him as Soaring Eagle.

When Paula had asked Desert Doe what his real name was, Desert Doe had simply said, "That doesn't matter. 'Soaring Eagle' is his native name and his spiritual name. Please just call him 'Soaring Eagle'."

Neither Mike nor Paula had asked again. They had just looked at each other and started referring to him as Soaring Eagle. At first, both of them had a little trouble getting the name to roll off their tongues. Mike in particular had trouble getting the name down. He kept calling Soaring Eagle various other names such as Hooting Hawk, Flapping Falcon, and Snoring Beagle.

Soaring Eagle never corrected him. He just smiled.

Even though Mike and Paula had trouble remembering Soaring Eagle's name at first, they both soon realized they liked him quite a bit. It turned out that Soaring Eagle was actually the descendant of Dutch immigrants from Pennsylvania. To them, that made more sense. They didn't think Soaring Eagle's was a full-blooded Indian. His hair was blond as bleached straw.

Soaring Eagle was also quite easy to talk to. He could discuss almost any topic with great ease, and without getting into an argument about it. That was quite different from Desert Doe. She could quickly end up in an argument in almost any conversation.
Soaring Eagle was also able to talk about hunting, fishing, and the church with great ease. He knew lots about the Bible, the characters in it and what each of them had said. Paula even remarked to her husband, "He knows more about the Bible than both of us put together."

Mike appeared slightly offended by the remark, but didn't pursue the subject further.
On the third day, Mike offered to give Soaring Eagle a tour of the farm. The two women decided to stay home to prepare supper. That suited Mike fine. He never liked being cooped up in a vehicle for long periods of time with Desert Doe. They always got into arguments.

Right before Mike and Soaring Eagle left, Desert Doe said to her brother, "Now don't wreck the SUV. Remember that you've got someone else in there with you."

Mike gave his sister a harsh look. He turned to Soaring Eagle and said, "Come on. We'll leave supper up to the women."

Preparing meals was always a bit of a challenge when Desert Doe came to visit. Desert Doe was a strict vegetarian. She wouldn't eat anything with any form of animal protein in it. She was almost militant about it. Every time they went to a restaurant, she would make the waiters swear that no animal products were in the food she ordered. Sometimes she even demanded to go in the kitchen and watch over the cooks as they prepared her food. At the end of the meal, she sometimes got into heated discussions with the waiters about the cost of the meal. On some occasions, the situation had been highly uncomfortable for Mike and Paula, especially when some of the restaurants had afterwards requested that they never bring Desert Doe there again.

Soaring Eagle was also a vegetarian, but at least he would occasionally eat eggs and drink milk. He was a little easier to cook for. As far as Mike and his wife could tell, Soaring Eagle didn't like getting into arguments with people anymore than they did.

Shellie didn't feel particularly close to Desert Doe, but the fact that Desert Doe was a vegetarian was at least one thing they had in common. Shellie felt far safer when Desert Doe was coming to supper than when the preacher was coming. And Shellie liked it even more that Soaring Eagle was also a vegetarian. He didn't seem the least bit interested in eating fried or baked chicken. He stuck to beans, potatoes, cheese, milk, rice, and other grains she had never heard of before – and tofu. He ate lots of tofu.

Shellie found Desert Doe, and especially Soaring Eagle, fascinating. She studied them closely after they arrived. One of the first things she noticed was that both of them were much paler than Paula and Mike, both of whom had very rosy skin. Paula had commented that it was the lack of meat in their diet. Mike had replied that it was the lack of meat in their heads.

Desert Doe often bragged about the light complexions that she and Soaring Eagle had, particularly Soaring Eagle. She usually mentioned that he was blond and fair-skinned to begin with. Desert Doe, in contrast, had long, full-bodied dark hair and slightly darker and pinker skin. She often said that she had diluted Mediterranean blood. Mike said he had never heard of any of their ancestors being from the Mediterranean. As far as he knew, they had all come from England or Ireland.

When it came time to prepare a meal, Shellie felt perfectly safe about participating. She knew that Paula wouldn't cook her and that Desert Doe had no interest in eating her.

What Shellie found highly interesting about the meal preparations was that Paula did a lot of standing around. Preparing meals normally kept her very busy.
The reason was quite simple. Paula knew the only way she could prepare a proper meal for Desert Doe and Soaring Eagle was to let Desert Doe to do most of the cooking. The most she could do was act as an assistant. Of course, she always cooked a separate meat dish for Mike and herself.

The two women sat at the kitchen table as they peeled potatoes for the evening meal. Desert Doe sat with her back to Shellie, who was sitting in her usual place on the kitchen counter.

Shellie studied how Desert Doe peeled the potatoes. She did it differently from Paula. Paula peeled the potatoes in broad, fast swipes. Each potato she peeled was completely free of any sign of peeling.

Desert Doe was much slower and meticulous. She peeled the potatoes as lightly as she could. She insisted that the best part of the potato was the skin, and that if she was cooking for just herself and Soaring Eagle, she wouldn't have peeled the potatoes at all. She would have cooked them unpeeled and eaten them with the skin left untouched.

But Paula knew Mike would never eat potatoes with the skin on. It was just one of the many ways that he differed from his sister.

As Desert Doe peeled, Shellie studied her entire body. She was a tall and gangly woman. He hair puffed up high over her head and fell down to the middle of her back in large curls. She always wore earth-colored clothes, usually loose cotton pants, very large and loose blouses, and sandals.
Today, Desert Doe had on a flower-print blou
se, maroon-colored pants with matching, maroon-colored sandals. Shellie focused on the sandals and noticed that they looked like they were made out of the same type of straw that the chickens had in the henhouse.

Then Shellie saw something even more interesting. She saw something flash on Desert Doe's ankle.

Shellie looked closer. Desert Doe moved her foot, and there, again, was the flash.
Shellie loved flashy objects.

She jumped down from the counter perch and walked toward the chair Desert Doe was sitting in. She saw the flash again.

She walked over to Desert Doe's ankle and noticed an ankle bracelet. It was made of what looked like silver and green and yellow stones. The yellow stones reminded Shellie of the small kernels of corn that Paula kept in the bowl on the table beside the easy chair.

Shellie took one more close look and then took a quick peck at one of the stones.
"Ouch!" screamed Desert Doe. "Your chicken bit me!"

"Chickens don't bite," replied Paula. "They peck."

Desert Doe moved her foot away.

Shellie watched her ankle. The stones flashed again.

Shellie took another peck.

"Ouch!" cried Desert Doe again. "What's wrong with her?"

Desert Doe jerked her foot away and jumped up in her chair. When she stood up, her puffed-up hair almost touched the ceiling.

Shellie strutted around the chair, looking upward at Desert Doe's ankles. She spotted the stones again and sprang upward to snatch one.

"Make her quit!" screamed Desert Doe. She lifted her foot with the ankle bracelet up and held it behind her. She stood there like a six-foot-two, one-legged crane with dark-brown Dolly Parton hair. "She's attacking me!"

Paula got up and came around to where Shellie was pecking Desert Doe. She looked at Desert Doe's ankle and saw the bracelet.

She merely said, "Shellie likes shiny things. She's a chicken."

Shellie again jumped as high she could, trying to get the stones. Paula didn't do anything.

"Aren't you going to make her stop?" Desert Doe pleaded.

"She's not doing anything wrong," Paula said. "It's just your ankle bracelet. Shellie thinks those yellow stones are corn. Why don't you just take it off? She'll quit as soon as she no longer sees it."

Desert Doe seemed a little dismayed. She wasn't used to bending to anyone's will, much less that of a chicken. But she knew that Paula wouldn't send Shellie outside. If there's one thing she had learned on her previous visits, it was that Shellie was far more important than she was. Besides, she didn't want to have to explain to Soaring Eagle that she had gotten into an argument over a chicken pecking her ankle bracelet. He often told her that she simply needed to be more tolerant and less extreme.


Still standing on one leg in the chair, Desert Doe unbuckled the bracelet and took it off. She balled her hand around the ankle bracelet so that Shellie could no longer see it.

"Just show Shellie your ankle again," Paula told her. "Once she sees the bracelet is gone, she won't peck it again."

Desert Doe lowered her ankle cautiously.

Shellie eyed it hungrily. But she could no longer see the shiny stones.

Desert Doe finally put both her feet back on the floor. She placed the ankle bracelet on the table beside her bowl of potatoes. But she remained cautious. She still didn't trust Shellie.

Shellie took one last look at Desert Doe's ankle but couldn't spot the shiny stones. She took a couple of steps backward, looked Desert Doe in the eye, and turned away. She walked over to her water bowl, took a few swallows and then climbed back up to her counter perch.

Desert Doe gave her a wary look but went back to peeling potatoes.

Shellie noticed that, this time, Desert Doe was cutting off the potato skin in thicker, deeper strips, the way her brother really liked. Desert Doe now seemed to be hurrying with the potatoes as fast as she could.

The rest of day went according to plan. Mike and Soaring Eagle came back home late that afternoon. Soaring Eagle told Paula and Desert Doe all about his trip around the farm. Mike stood there beaming.

Around 6:30, the four of them sat down to supper. Soaring Eagle and Desert Doe ate potatoes plus some other vegetables and a tofu dish Desert Doe had cooked. Mike and his wife ate potatoes and vegetables plus a few slices of the ham Paula had cooked.
Afterwards, they all talked a while and watched a little television.

Around 10:30, Mike went to bed. The other three talked a few minutes more but soon retired themselves.

By that time, Shellie had already settled in for the night on her perch on the kitchen counter. She finally noticed the rest of the lights in the house go out and silence settle in.

Shellie stuck her head under her left wing and dropped off into a pleasant sleep. She dreamed of shiny green and yellow grains of corn falling from the sky. She dreamed of pecking them off the surface of a large glimmering silver platter.
Suddenly, the floor in the living room creaked slightly. The noise startled Shellie awake. She pulled her head out from under her wing and saw the kitchen door slowly opening.

Although it was dark, Shellie could see a figure coming through the door.
It was Desert Doe.

Shellie peeked out threw her nearly closed eyes. She pretended to be asleep but kept an eye on Desert Doe. She wasn't quite sure what to expect. She hoped Desert Doe had forgiven her for pecking her ankle earlier in the day.

She watched as Desert Doe crept into the kitchen. Desert Doe paused a moment in front of Shellie. She eyed Shellie closely. She seemed to be satisfied that Shellie was sound asleep. She took a few more steps forward.

Desert Doe turned her back to Shellie.

Shellie opened her eyes all the way to see what she was doing.

Desert Doe crept to the refrigerator. She opened the door cautiously, as if she didn't want to get caught. The refrigerator light shined in her face.

Shellie noticed that Desert Doe had a very determined look on her face.

Desert Doe poked around in the refrigerator for a moment. Shellie thought
perhaps she was looking for a vortex.

Then Desert Doe seemed to find what she was looking for. She took out a dish that was wrapped in tin foil.

She placed the dish on the table and got a knife out of the drawer next to the refrigerator.

Desert Doe turned back to the dish. She carefully and quietly lifted the tin foil.
The refrigerator light shined bright on the dish like a spotlight.

It was the supper ham!

Desert Doe cut a thick strip off the ham. She placed the strip in her mouth, closed her eyes and then sighed deeply and very contentedly. She hadn't even started chewing yet.

After a few seconds, Desert Doe opened her eyes and began chewing. At first, she chewed slowly, and then gradually a little faster.

Shellie watched as Desert Doe swallowed. She had never seen anyone swallow with such pleasure.

Desert Doe cut another strip off the ham and ate it. Then another, and another, and another. She stood there eating ham for at least a full ten minutes. Finally, she seemed sated.

She rewrapped the ham in the tin foil, placed it back in the refrigerator, cleaned the knife and placed it back in the utensils drawer exactly as she had found it. She checked the refrigerator to make sure it was closed properly. She tiptoed past Shellie, opened the kitchen door, exited and quietly closed it behind her.

The Day It Rained Pineapples Pears

(Chapter 4 from the book "The Chicken Who Didn't Know Where to Lay Her Eggs")

When Paula's grandson, Tadpole, was four, his mother, April, gave him a book of tales about the Middle Ages. Ever since, he had been fervent about anything involving the Middle Ages. He bought every book he could find on the topic. He spent hours on the computer playing Middle Ages games and visiting websites about Middle Ages.

He also had also a sizeable collection of movies about the Middle Ages. He had them arranged alphabetically and color-coded by theme on the shelf in his bedroom. When he came down to stay with Mike and Paula, he always brought several of the movies with him.

Paula let him watch them as much as he wanted. She also let him do just about anything else he desired. April often told her mother that she needed to be stricter with him. But he was her grandson. Besides, he also reminded her of her own son at that age. Tadpole even looked a little like her own son.

Tadpole's movies included The Fall of the Roman Empire, Alfred the Great, Anchoress, Braveheart, The Lion in Winter, Sister Sun/Brother Moon, The Name of the Rose, Le retour de Martin Guerre, and The Navigator. He also had five different movies about Robin Hood, and – his all time favorite – Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

He knew all the movies forward and backward. He knew when they were made, who made them, and who played all the characters. When he watched them, he would lie in his Middle Ages-motif sleeping bag on the floor in front of the TV and recite the lines along with the characters. He knew every line in every movie. He had even taught himself to speak in a British accent when he spoke the lines.

As Tadpole lay there on the floor, Dingo would lie on one side of him and Shellie would sit on the other. Every ten minutes or so, Tadpole would pet Dingo and Shellie. Sometimes he would turn to them and recite the lines directly to them or ask them what they thought about the movie.

He would turn to Dingo and ask, "And what do you think, Mister Flippity-Dippity-Do-Dog?" He often called Dingo the Mister Flippity-Dippity-Do-Dog. There was no special reason for calling Dingo that. Dingo certainly couldn't turn flips. But Tadpole liked saying it.

Or he would turn to Shellie and say, "And what's your opinion, Miss Shellie-Minelli-With-Corn-In-Her-Belly?"

Shellie understood the "Corn-In-Her-Belly" part. But she didn't know where the "Minelli" part came from. She certainly couldn't sing like Liza Minelli.

When Tadpole called Dingo and Shellie their special names, they never said anything. But they enjoyed the whole movie-watching experience anyway. Tadpole liked Shellie and Dingo, and they liked him. The only other person who talked to them in such comforting tones was Paula.

One afternoon in late August, April had a dentist appointment and had to do some shopping. She dropped Tadpole off to stay with Paula.

As usual, Tadpole brought a Middle Ages movie with him. This time it was Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

He soon took his place in his Middle Ages sleeping bag in front of the TV with Shellie on one side and Dingo on the other.

As the movie ran, he recited the lines along with the actors. Occasionally, he turned to Shellie and Dingo to recite the lines to them, pet them or call them their pet names.

About halfway through the movie, his eyes lit up even more than usual. He suddenly turned to Shellie and said, "Miss Shellie-Minelli-With-Corn-In-Her-Belly, I've got a good idea."

He watched the rest of the movie, then carefully put it away in the DVD jacket like he always did.

"Want to go down to the shop for a while?" he asked Shellie and Dingo.

Tadpole spent a lot of time down at the shop. That was part of his normal routine when he came to stay with Paula. He would first watch a Middle Ages movie and then spend a couple of hours down at the shop building something with all the tools Mike had there.

Dingo immediately jumped up, pricked up his ears and wagged his tail. He loved going to the shop. Besides being a shop, it was home to many mice and rats and squirrels and other creatures that Dingo loved to hunt and chase.

Shellie stayed where she was. She didn't go to the shop unless she had no choice, not anymore at least. She used to go down there all the time with Tadpole and Dingo. But that had changed after a four-foot oak snake had almost caught her there one day.

Neither Tadpole nor Dingo had much fear of the snake. But Shellie felt otherwise. Particularly since the snake had grown even more since he had last chased her. Shellie had decided it was simply better for her health and well-being to spend her time somewhere else besides the shop.

After Tadpole and Dingo left the house, Shellie went to the kitchen where Paula was canning pineapple pears. The two pear trees in the backyard were heavy with fruit this year. The pears were ripe and falling on the ground. Paula had gone out to the trees that morning and filled up three bucket. She had decided to make a pear cobbler for supper and to can the rest of the pears for the winter months. Mike greatly enjoyed canned pineapple pears in the middle of winter.

Shellie stayed in the kitchen with Paula for about an hour. But when Paula started heating up the large pots of water to cook the jars of pears in, Shellie decided it would be cooler outside. She left through the dog door, went around to the front yard, and took her usual place under the banana tree.

Shellie spent a lot of time lying under the banana tree. It offered a number of advantages for a chicken. It provided lots of good shade and kept the ground cool. Plus, it was the perfect place to watch everything that went on in the front yard. Shellie could doze away there in great comfort, yet immediately see if anything or anyone came up the driveway. Also, lots of insects were attracted to the tree.

Shellie could often lie there and just wait until an insect came by. She didn't even need to stand up to catch one. Shellie particularly liked eating lady-bugs, and the banana tree attracted lots of them.

After about half an hour under the banana tree and having eaten four or five lady-bugs, Shellie began to doze off. It was a warm day but the cool shade of the banana tree and the cool ground under her belly made her drowsy.

She closed her eyes and heard the faint sounds of Tadpole hammering away on something down at the shop. She could also occasionally hear Paula rattling some of the jars of pineapple pears in the kitchen.

Shellie felt safe and content. She soon dropped off to sleep and started dreaming about sweet, juicy lady-bugs crawling toward the shade of the banana tree. In her dream, she was about ready to nab one when she heard a loud sound.

"WHHHHHOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"

Shellie opened her eyes, jumped up and looked around. At first she didn't see anything.

Then she heard the sound of something heavy and fast flying through the air behind her.

"WHHHHHOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"

It was exactly the same sound as before.

Shellie jerked her head around to see what it was.

There lay a smashed, overripe pineapple pear not three feet from where Shellie had been lying.

"WHHHHHOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"

Another one! This one hit the ground about ten feet away.

Shellie looked up in the sky. There was no pear tree here in the front yard. The only pear trees anywhere near were the two in the back yard. They were at least 200 yards away. Shellie knew that there was no way that pears could fall that far from the trees. She also knew that the banana trees didn't bear pears of any kind.

As Shellie was looking upward, she saw something she had never seen before. A large, overripe pineapple pear came flying over the roof of the house.

The pear started falling toward her. Just in time, Shellie jumped to the side. The pear landed right where she had been standing.

Shellie let out a very loud squawk.

Another pear came flying over the roof.

Shellie squawked again.

Then another pear, and another and another.
Shellie squawked loudly each time and ran around the side of the house toward the kitchen. The banana tree was clearly no longer a safe place to snooze.

Paula had heard the first squawk but not paid it any attention. Even the second squawk hadn't bothered Paula much. After all, chickens squawk and Shellie was a chicken. But the third and fourth squawk made her suspicious.

Paula stuck her head out the front door and saw Shellie running toward the side of the house.

"Shellie!" Paula called. "What in the world is wrong?"

Right then, another pineapple pear came flying over the house. It flew right into the banana tree and broke off one of the giant leaves that provided shade for Shellie.

"Shellie, get in the house!" Paula cried. She held the front door open. Shellie changed directions and came running inside as fast as she could go.

"WHHHHHOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"

Another pear hit the ground, this time about ten feet from the banana tree.
Paula walked out into the front yard and looked upward.

Shellie watched her from behind the front door.

Paula suddenly jumped to the side.

"WHHHHHOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"

Another pear hit just a couple of feet from where she had been standing.

"My God!" Paula swore, and she wasn't a woman who swore a lot. She often got onto Tadpole for saying such things, although it was largely a losing battle since both Mike and April swore frequently.

Another pear came flying over the roof of the house as Paula stood there.

Paula didn't hurry for much of anything, but today she hurried toward the back yard.
For a few seconds, Shellie didn't hear anything.

"WHHHHHOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!" Another pear hit the ground.

Then Shellie heard Paula scream, "Stop that! You're gonna kill somebody!"

Shellie listened carefully. She could hear Paula fussing at somebody. The fussing went on for a couple of minutes. Shellie rarely heard her fuss in such a manner.
But at least the flying pears stopped. No more came flying over the roof.

Shellie ran through the house and ventured carefully out of the dog door. She looked up to see if any pears were falling there. Fortunately, the pear storm seemed to have ended.

Shellie cautiously left the house through the dog door. She saw Paula, Tadpole and Dingo standing there. Paula had a very serious, almost angry look on her face. She was saying something very stern to Tadpole.

Tadpole had a guilty expression on his face. He looked like he wished he were far away, perhaps in one of the countries where the Middle Ages had taken place.
As Shellie got nearer, she saw a pail of pineapple pears on the ground. Beside it lay a strange looking contraption.

She took a closer look. She realized she had seen one like it before. It was a smaller version of one she had seen in one of Tadpole's movies about the Middle Ages. In the movies, warriors had used the contraption to catapult stones and large clumps of burning wood into castles or cities they were trying to defeat.

The contraption made Shellie shudder. In one of Tadpole's movies, she had even seen a warrior using the contraption to catapult dead chickens over a castle wall.

Really Catty

Banana Pupu

Two Paddles are Not Enough

(Chapter 3 from the book "The Chicken Who Didn't Know Where to Lay Her Eggs")


There were no words as sweet to Shellie's ears as when Paula asked, "Shellie, are you ready to go fishing?"

Dingo also jumped for joy when he heard those words.

Some of the most pleasant hours that Shellie and Dingo had ever spent with Paula had been while the three of them were sitting in the boat on one of the ponds. Those were extremely enjoyable hours of doing nothing but being outdoors, basking in the beautiful weather sun, and soaking up pure peace and togetherness. For all of them, it was the closest they could get to heaven without leaving earth for good.

Mike never went with them, but Shellie figured that was just as well. He couldn't have sat still in the boat anyway. He was too fidgety and always had to be doing something considered productive. Being in a boat for hours on end with three other creatures who were hardly moving would have been true torture for him.

Anytime Paula announced a fishing trip, both Shellie and Dingo watched her with great anticipation as she got the fishing gear ready. They observed her every move. They watched her put the fishing poles and rods in the SUV. They watched her get the tackle box out of the garage cabinet. Both of them knew the entire process by heart.
Today was no different.

As soon as Paula took her seat in the SUV, Dingo sprang up onto the passenger's seat and Shellie hopped up onto Paula's lap. Off they went.

The ride to the Dark Pond didn't take long, no more than five minutes. It was directly behind the house, back next to the swamp and creek. It was called the Dark Pond because a small stream from the creek fed into it and filled it with tannin-tinted water from the numerous cypress trees growing in the swamp. The water was so dark that Shellie couldn't see more than an inch below the surface.

The Dark Pond was Paula’s favorite fishing hole by far. It was full of large-mouth bass, some of them weighing as much as 15 pounds. Paula liked everything about large-mouth bass. They were a fascinating fish. They were fun to reel in and she always had to figure out just the right type of lure to catch them with. Some days, they bit only flashy metallic lures. Other days, they preferred plastic worms. Sometimes they would only bite insect-like lures. On other days, they wanted nothing but live worms. And some days they wouldn't bite anything at all, as if they simply took a day off to fast. But all that made them the more challenging. Paula enjoyed figuring out exactly which type of lure worked best on any given day.

It was a perfect day in June for fishing. Not too hot, not too cold, with a gentle breeze blowing across the water. It was the kind of day that, if you weren't going fishing, the only other thing you would've wanted to do was sleep or watch baseball. Paula watched baseball a lot. She often told Shellie that baseball was a game she had learned to appreciate from her first husband. When Shellie was alone with Paula, Paula often told her about him.

Paula loaded all the fishing gear and two paddles into the 12-foot boat. Shellie and Dingo hopped in, and all three of headed out to the center of the pond as Paula rowed the two paddles.

Now came Shellie's favorite part.

Paula took out her tackle and placed a black plastic worm on her fishing rod. But before she cast it into the water, she got out the can of live worms. She dug around a bit, pulled one out and dangled it in front of Shellie. It was about four inches long and very fat from a steady diet of chicken pellets.
Shellie quickly snapped it with her beak. She swallowed it in one gulp. That was the reason she really loved fishing.

After every few casts of her rod, Paula gave Shellie another worm. Shellie really liked the days when the large-mouth bass preferred artificial lures over live worms. That left more worms for her.

Today was one of those days. On only her second cast, Paula got a strike. She hauled in a nice, five-pound bass. She took it off the line and placed it in the bucket of water in the boat.

Over the next hour, she had far more luck than she had been expecting. She got a strike about every 15 minutes. She caught two more bass, both good-sized.
With the three bass in the bucket in the boat, Paula looked forward to a fine evening of fishing. She still had at least two hours before the sun went down, and the fishing should only get better as the sun got lower.

Paula looked at the three bass in her bucket. She realized that if her luck kept up today, she would soon have enough to invite the preacher out for a fish fry. She knew that he preferred baked chicken, but he had never said "No" to a fish fry, or to any other supper invitation for that matter.

She cast the plastic worm a few more times without any luck.

Paula didn't forget Shellie. Every half hour or so, she took an earthworm out of the can and fed it to Shellie.

Shellie was just swallowing a fat, juicy worm when Paula got a strong strike.

Paula pulled the line gently to see if the fish had swallowed the plastic worm. The line fell slack. The fish hadn't gotten serious yet.

Paula slowly began to reel the line in. When the worm was about 30 feet from the boat, the fish struck again, but just lightly. Paula let the line go slack for a moment. The fish seemed to have lost interest. Paula started reeling it in again.
The bass struck again. This time, the line pulled taut.

Paula yanked the line to snag the fish for good. She began to reel the fish in. The pole bent sharply. It was sure to be a large fish.

After half a minute or so, Paula had reeled the fish in far enough that it broke the surface of the water. It sprang out of the water as it thrashed about, trying to get away. It had to weigh at least eight pounds.

Dingo spotted the fish. He placed his feet on the edge of the boat, and whined and trembled with anticipation.

Dingo dreaded water for any purpose other than drinking. He always made a large circle around any puddle of water he came across. He never ran through one. Anytime he sensed he was about to get a bath, he did his best to hide or, even better, escape for the rest of the day. And he never dived directly into the middle of the pond.

Today was different. When Dingo saw the fish jump out of the water, he suddenly seemed to completely forget about his fears of the water. He sprang over the edge of the boat.

When he sprang, he struck the end of one of the paddles. Dingo hit the water and the paddle flew in after him. Dingo swam in the direction of the fish, and the paddle floated off in the opposite direction.

At first, Paula didn't say a thing. She didn't want to scare away all the fish in the water by causing an even greater commotion. Instead, she tried to reel in the fish as quickly as she could. She figured that the best thing to do was to get the fish close enough to the boat that she could scoop it up and then Dingo.

As the bass got nearer and nearer the boat, so did Dingo. He kept snapping at the fish, trying to grab it. Mostly, however, all he achieved was to get one mouthful of water after another. He had no trouble swimming, but he was very awkward about it.
When the fish was about five feet from the boat, Paula shifted forward in her seat to be nearer the edge of the boat. She got ready to grab the fish and Dingo when they were close enough.

Suddenly, there was a large splash about ten feet out from the boat. The fish on the line and the snapping rat terrier were about halfway between the splash and the boat.
Paula glanced quickly at the spot of the splash. She froze.

"A gator!" she cried.

This was the first gator she had ever seen in the Dark Pond. She knew that several gators lived back in the creek and swamp, but she thought they always stayed there. The swamp was much woodier and offered lots of places to hide. A gator out in the open waters of the Dark Pond was something brand new.

The fish, frightened by the splashing of Dingo and the approaching gator, pulled firmly against the line.

Paula jumped up and grabbed the second paddle. Her quick motions made the boat rock dangerously. Water sloshed in over the sides.

All of this was too much for Shellie. The last thing she wanted to do was to end up in a deep pond full of large-mouthed fish and an even larger-mouthed gator. She took one last look at the situation and began flapping her wings. Shellie didn't fly much, but today was an exception. She jumped up on the seat of the boat to get a good start and then struck out in the air toward the dam, about 50 feet away.
While Shellie was in the air, she heard Dingo yipping and Paula yelling "Get away! Get away!" She heard Paula strike the water with the paddle. She couldn't tell if she had hit the gator or driven it away.

Right as Shellie landed on the dam, she heard an even bigger commotion.

Shellie turned around and saw the boat flip upside down. Paula fell into the water.
The boat turned all the way over and floated belly up.

The rod-and-reel went darting away. The fish on the other end dragged it along as it swam for freedom.

Paula still had the one paddle. She whapped the water as hard as she could in the direction of the gator.

Then Shellie heard a sharp crunching noise. Her heart started thumping. Horrible thoughts raced through her head.

She saw the gator's head raise out of the water. She saw the broad end of the paddle planted squarely in its mouth, now mostly just a collection of splinters. Just as fast, the gator disappeared under the surface, taking the crushed paddle with him.
With one hand, Paula grabbed the edge of the upside-down boat. With the other, she grabbed Dingo. She lifted him up onto the bottom of the boat.

She then managed to get a solid grip on the boat. She started pulling herself up.
At the same moment, the crunched paddle floated back to the surface of the water.
Right behind it appeared the gator's eyes. They began moving toward the boat, toward Paula.

Paula was now halfway on top of the boat. Only the calves of her legs were still in the water.

The gator got nearer. Then it disappeared.

Shellie held her breath.

Paula succeeded in pulling her right leg up on the boat. As she started pulling her left foot out of the water, the gator resurfaced right where her foot was. He snapped hungrily.
He missed Paula's left f
oot by only a hair. His jaw caught the side of the boat and crunched shut so hard that he sent squirts of water flying over the boat.

He disappeared below the surface.

Paula yanked her left foot up onto the boat. She hurriedly crawled to the middle of the boat and grabbed Dingo. The two of them sat there huddled together, completely padddleless.

Paula knew better than to try to row ashore using her hands. The gator was hungry and seemed to have little fear of humans, or dogs or chickens.

Shellie could see swirls in the water where the alligator swam submerged next to the boat.

Shellie didn't know what to do. She ran up to the top of the dam and then stood there like a statue. She decided to stay as far away from the water as she could. She could never know where the alligator might decide to show up next.
Paula occasionally yelled "Help!" at the top of her lungs. But no one came. The wind had picked up a little and was blowing the sound of her voice away from either Mike's house or her daughter's house.

The evening wore on and the sun fell lower. Finally, darkness settled in.
Paula kept calling for help. By now, she had now called so much that her throat was getting hoarse. Her voice was getting weaker and weaker.

Shellie sat there on the dam of the pond. The darkness made her very uneasy. The only light was from the moon. It was about three-quarters full.

Paula and Dingo sat on top of the boat in the middle of the pond. At times, the boat floated a little in one direction and then a little in the other. But it never got close enough to the dam for Paula and Dingo to risk running for safety.

About an hour after dark, Shellie heard Mike's truck. She heard it come closer to the pond. Finally, it drove up onto the dam.

Paula called out to her husband as loud as she could with her hoarse voice. He spotted her.

She tried to explain their situation as well as she could with her failing voice.
Mike got a flashlight out of his truck and shined it on her and Dingo.

He grabbed a roll of thick twine from the bed of the truck. He found a heavy, hand-sized stick on the dam and tied it to the end of the twine. He threw the stick and twine out toward Paula.

The first throw was too short. Mike pulled the twine and stick back in.
The second throw was too wide. Mike pulled it back in again.

Finally, on the third throw, the stick landed right beside the boat.
Paula was able to grab it by lying down flat on the boat.

As she lay there with the stick in one hand and her other arm around Dingo, her husband began towing on the twine. Slowly, the boat moved closer to shore.

After a few minutes, Mike pulled the boat close enough that he could drag it up onto the dam. First Dingo and then Paula jumped onto solid land.

Paula kissed her husband. Then she bent down to Shellie, kissed her too, and said, "Shellie...I'm sorry I lost the worms."



Copyright 2010 (c) Thorsten Taylor