Pink Tofu at Midnight

(Chapter 5 from the book "The Chicken Who Didn't Know Where to Lay Her Eggs")


Shellie had never been to Sedona, Arizona. Nor did she have any plans to go there. She figured that even though Sedona might be a wonderful town and a fine place overall, she was very happy right where she was. The farm was big enough for her.
Still, she had learned quite a bit about Sedona. She knew all about the Sinagua Indian ruins, the Red Rock Country, the art community, the vortex meditation sites, and the spiritual retreats. Sometimes, she even felt that she knew more about Sedona than about the farm.

Her education in all matters Sedona had started two years earlier. That was the first time since Shellie had hatched that Desert Doe had come to visit. Desert Doe also came the next summer. And now she was coming for the third time.
Mike and Paula had never made it to Sedona, even though Desert Doe had invited them numerous times. They always promised they would go, but the right time just never seemed to come about.

So Desert Doe came to see them. When she came, she usually stayed for a couple of weeks. Every time she came, she brought something new with her. Last time it had been wasabi-coated peas. She had snacked on them constantly. She had offered Mike and his wife some, but they had declined. Shellie had found one that had fallen on the floor. It had looked very tasty. She had scooped it up with her beak and swallowed it whole. Within two seconds, her throat was burning as if she had swallowed a sword of fire. She ran to her water bowl and drank until it was almost empty. Her craw had a burning sensation far into the next day.

Shellie had never met anyone quite like Desert Doe. Sometimes she found it hard to believe that Desert Doe was actually Mike's sister. Desert Doe was completely different from Mike, and from anyone else that Shellie knew. In almost every conversation Desert Doe had, she managed to mention at least once that she had scored 176 on an IQ test.

Mike's usual comment on that was "The only thing sharper than her mind is her tongue."

Paula was of a more tolerant opinion. She merely said that Desert Doe was one of a kind. Shellie had to agree with her.

When Desert Doe came to the farm, she spent most of her time talking about arts and spirituality. As far as Shellie could remember, she had never heard Mike or his wife talk about such things, unless you counted Sunday morning when they went to church. Even then, most of the talk was about whether they thought the preacher and his family would show up unexpectedly for supper that evening. Otherwise, the majority of their talk was about the crops, the farm animals, fishing, hunting, football or baseball.

Desert Doe never talked about those things. If Mike or Paula tried to change the conversation to one of their favorite topics, Desert Doe would find a way to swing it back to a Sedona topic.

Her favorite Sedona topic was vortex sites. That was also how she made her living. She worked as a guide who took tourists from all over the world to visit the Sedona vortex sites. That's also where she got the name Desert Doe. All guides had to have a "native" name, and one of the local Indians had picked out the name Desert Doe for her. Her real name was Charlotte, but she no longer allowed anyone to call her that. She only used that name when she had to file her income tax form or pick up an unemployment check. Desert Doe usually spent about half the year unemployed. That was one topic that Desert Doe almost never mentioned.

After Desert Doe's last visit, Shellie figured that she knew everything a chicken could possibly want to know about vortex sites. She knew the differences between upflow vortexes, inflow vortexes and combination vortexes. Shellie had learned so much about vortexes that she thought that, just perhaps, she might find some in the farm yard.

Shellie had checked out every corner of the farm yard to see if she might find a vortex. After she had heard from Desert Doe about how powerful and transforming a vortex could be, Shellie had decided it might be well worth it to find one.
But she didn't have any luck. All she had found was some earth left upturned by moles and earthworms. She had scratched around in the upturned earth to see if any vortexes would come out. They didn't. All that had come out was a couple of earthworms. Shellie had immediately caught them and swallowed them. She figured they were as good as a vortex, at least as far as a chicken was concerned.

When Desert Doe arrived the third year, she brought a guest with her. Mike called the guest "the boyfriend", but Shellie wasn't sure what his relationship with Desert Doe really was. Desert Doe never referred to him as her boyfriend. She simply said that he was a "good companion." When she spoke of him by name, she always referred to him as Soaring Eagle.

When Paula had asked Desert Doe what his real name was, Desert Doe had simply said, "That doesn't matter. 'Soaring Eagle' is his native name and his spiritual name. Please just call him 'Soaring Eagle'."

Neither Mike nor Paula had asked again. They had just looked at each other and started referring to him as Soaring Eagle. At first, both of them had a little trouble getting the name to roll off their tongues. Mike in particular had trouble getting the name down. He kept calling Soaring Eagle various other names such as Hooting Hawk, Flapping Falcon, and Snoring Beagle.

Soaring Eagle never corrected him. He just smiled.

Even though Mike and Paula had trouble remembering Soaring Eagle's name at first, they both soon realized they liked him quite a bit. It turned out that Soaring Eagle was actually the descendant of Dutch immigrants from Pennsylvania. To them, that made more sense. They didn't think Soaring Eagle's was a full-blooded Indian. His hair was blond as bleached straw.

Soaring Eagle was also quite easy to talk to. He could discuss almost any topic with great ease, and without getting into an argument about it. That was quite different from Desert Doe. She could quickly end up in an argument in almost any conversation.
Soaring Eagle was also able to talk about hunting, fishing, and the church with great ease. He knew lots about the Bible, the characters in it and what each of them had said. Paula even remarked to her husband, "He knows more about the Bible than both of us put together."

Mike appeared slightly offended by the remark, but didn't pursue the subject further.
On the third day, Mike offered to give Soaring Eagle a tour of the farm. The two women decided to stay home to prepare supper. That suited Mike fine. He never liked being cooped up in a vehicle for long periods of time with Desert Doe. They always got into arguments.

Right before Mike and Soaring Eagle left, Desert Doe said to her brother, "Now don't wreck the SUV. Remember that you've got someone else in there with you."

Mike gave his sister a harsh look. He turned to Soaring Eagle and said, "Come on. We'll leave supper up to the women."

Preparing meals was always a bit of a challenge when Desert Doe came to visit. Desert Doe was a strict vegetarian. She wouldn't eat anything with any form of animal protein in it. She was almost militant about it. Every time they went to a restaurant, she would make the waiters swear that no animal products were in the food she ordered. Sometimes she even demanded to go in the kitchen and watch over the cooks as they prepared her food. At the end of the meal, she sometimes got into heated discussions with the waiters about the cost of the meal. On some occasions, the situation had been highly uncomfortable for Mike and Paula, especially when some of the restaurants had afterwards requested that they never bring Desert Doe there again.

Soaring Eagle was also a vegetarian, but at least he would occasionally eat eggs and drink milk. He was a little easier to cook for. As far as Mike and his wife could tell, Soaring Eagle didn't like getting into arguments with people anymore than they did.

Shellie didn't feel particularly close to Desert Doe, but the fact that Desert Doe was a vegetarian was at least one thing they had in common. Shellie felt far safer when Desert Doe was coming to supper than when the preacher was coming. And Shellie liked it even more that Soaring Eagle was also a vegetarian. He didn't seem the least bit interested in eating fried or baked chicken. He stuck to beans, potatoes, cheese, milk, rice, and other grains she had never heard of before – and tofu. He ate lots of tofu.

Shellie found Desert Doe, and especially Soaring Eagle, fascinating. She studied them closely after they arrived. One of the first things she noticed was that both of them were much paler than Paula and Mike, both of whom had very rosy skin. Paula had commented that it was the lack of meat in their diet. Mike had replied that it was the lack of meat in their heads.

Desert Doe often bragged about the light complexions that she and Soaring Eagle had, particularly Soaring Eagle. She usually mentioned that he was blond and fair-skinned to begin with. Desert Doe, in contrast, had long, full-bodied dark hair and slightly darker and pinker skin. She often said that she had diluted Mediterranean blood. Mike said he had never heard of any of their ancestors being from the Mediterranean. As far as he knew, they had all come from England or Ireland.

When it came time to prepare a meal, Shellie felt perfectly safe about participating. She knew that Paula wouldn't cook her and that Desert Doe had no interest in eating her.

What Shellie found highly interesting about the meal preparations was that Paula did a lot of standing around. Preparing meals normally kept her very busy.
The reason was quite simple. Paula knew the only way she could prepare a proper meal for Desert Doe and Soaring Eagle was to let Desert Doe to do most of the cooking. The most she could do was act as an assistant. Of course, she always cooked a separate meat dish for Mike and herself.

The two women sat at the kitchen table as they peeled potatoes for the evening meal. Desert Doe sat with her back to Shellie, who was sitting in her usual place on the kitchen counter.

Shellie studied how Desert Doe peeled the potatoes. She did it differently from Paula. Paula peeled the potatoes in broad, fast swipes. Each potato she peeled was completely free of any sign of peeling.

Desert Doe was much slower and meticulous. She peeled the potatoes as lightly as she could. She insisted that the best part of the potato was the skin, and that if she was cooking for just herself and Soaring Eagle, she wouldn't have peeled the potatoes at all. She would have cooked them unpeeled and eaten them with the skin left untouched.

But Paula knew Mike would never eat potatoes with the skin on. It was just one of the many ways that he differed from his sister.

As Desert Doe peeled, Shellie studied her entire body. She was a tall and gangly woman. He hair puffed up high over her head and fell down to the middle of her back in large curls. She always wore earth-colored clothes, usually loose cotton pants, very large and loose blouses, and sandals.
Today, Desert Doe had on a flower-print blou
se, maroon-colored pants with matching, maroon-colored sandals. Shellie focused on the sandals and noticed that they looked like they were made out of the same type of straw that the chickens had in the henhouse.

Then Shellie saw something even more interesting. She saw something flash on Desert Doe's ankle.

Shellie looked closer. Desert Doe moved her foot, and there, again, was the flash.
Shellie loved flashy objects.

She jumped down from the counter perch and walked toward the chair Desert Doe was sitting in. She saw the flash again.

She walked over to Desert Doe's ankle and noticed an ankle bracelet. It was made of what looked like silver and green and yellow stones. The yellow stones reminded Shellie of the small kernels of corn that Paula kept in the bowl on the table beside the easy chair.

Shellie took one more close look and then took a quick peck at one of the stones.
"Ouch!" screamed Desert Doe. "Your chicken bit me!"

"Chickens don't bite," replied Paula. "They peck."

Desert Doe moved her foot away.

Shellie watched her ankle. The stones flashed again.

Shellie took another peck.

"Ouch!" cried Desert Doe again. "What's wrong with her?"

Desert Doe jerked her foot away and jumped up in her chair. When she stood up, her puffed-up hair almost touched the ceiling.

Shellie strutted around the chair, looking upward at Desert Doe's ankles. She spotted the stones again and sprang upward to snatch one.

"Make her quit!" screamed Desert Doe. She lifted her foot with the ankle bracelet up and held it behind her. She stood there like a six-foot-two, one-legged crane with dark-brown Dolly Parton hair. "She's attacking me!"

Paula got up and came around to where Shellie was pecking Desert Doe. She looked at Desert Doe's ankle and saw the bracelet.

She merely said, "Shellie likes shiny things. She's a chicken."

Shellie again jumped as high she could, trying to get the stones. Paula didn't do anything.

"Aren't you going to make her stop?" Desert Doe pleaded.

"She's not doing anything wrong," Paula said. "It's just your ankle bracelet. Shellie thinks those yellow stones are corn. Why don't you just take it off? She'll quit as soon as she no longer sees it."

Desert Doe seemed a little dismayed. She wasn't used to bending to anyone's will, much less that of a chicken. But she knew that Paula wouldn't send Shellie outside. If there's one thing she had learned on her previous visits, it was that Shellie was far more important than she was. Besides, she didn't want to have to explain to Soaring Eagle that she had gotten into an argument over a chicken pecking her ankle bracelet. He often told her that she simply needed to be more tolerant and less extreme.


Still standing on one leg in the chair, Desert Doe unbuckled the bracelet and took it off. She balled her hand around the ankle bracelet so that Shellie could no longer see it.

"Just show Shellie your ankle again," Paula told her. "Once she sees the bracelet is gone, she won't peck it again."

Desert Doe lowered her ankle cautiously.

Shellie eyed it hungrily. But she could no longer see the shiny stones.

Desert Doe finally put both her feet back on the floor. She placed the ankle bracelet on the table beside her bowl of potatoes. But she remained cautious. She still didn't trust Shellie.

Shellie took one last look at Desert Doe's ankle but couldn't spot the shiny stones. She took a couple of steps backward, looked Desert Doe in the eye, and turned away. She walked over to her water bowl, took a few swallows and then climbed back up to her counter perch.

Desert Doe gave her a wary look but went back to peeling potatoes.

Shellie noticed that, this time, Desert Doe was cutting off the potato skin in thicker, deeper strips, the way her brother really liked. Desert Doe now seemed to be hurrying with the potatoes as fast as she could.

The rest of day went according to plan. Mike and Soaring Eagle came back home late that afternoon. Soaring Eagle told Paula and Desert Doe all about his trip around the farm. Mike stood there beaming.

Around 6:30, the four of them sat down to supper. Soaring Eagle and Desert Doe ate potatoes plus some other vegetables and a tofu dish Desert Doe had cooked. Mike and his wife ate potatoes and vegetables plus a few slices of the ham Paula had cooked.
Afterwards, they all talked a while and watched a little television.

Around 10:30, Mike went to bed. The other three talked a few minutes more but soon retired themselves.

By that time, Shellie had already settled in for the night on her perch on the kitchen counter. She finally noticed the rest of the lights in the house go out and silence settle in.

Shellie stuck her head under her left wing and dropped off into a pleasant sleep. She dreamed of shiny green and yellow grains of corn falling from the sky. She dreamed of pecking them off the surface of a large glimmering silver platter.
Suddenly, the floor in the living room creaked slightly. The noise startled Shellie awake. She pulled her head out from under her wing and saw the kitchen door slowly opening.

Although it was dark, Shellie could see a figure coming through the door.
It was Desert Doe.

Shellie peeked out threw her nearly closed eyes. She pretended to be asleep but kept an eye on Desert Doe. She wasn't quite sure what to expect. She hoped Desert Doe had forgiven her for pecking her ankle earlier in the day.

She watched as Desert Doe crept into the kitchen. Desert Doe paused a moment in front of Shellie. She eyed Shellie closely. She seemed to be satisfied that Shellie was sound asleep. She took a few more steps forward.

Desert Doe turned her back to Shellie.

Shellie opened her eyes all the way to see what she was doing.

Desert Doe crept to the refrigerator. She opened the door cautiously, as if she didn't want to get caught. The refrigerator light shined in her face.

Shellie noticed that Desert Doe had a very determined look on her face.

Desert Doe poked around in the refrigerator for a moment. Shellie thought
perhaps she was looking for a vortex.

Then Desert Doe seemed to find what she was looking for. She took out a dish that was wrapped in tin foil.

She placed the dish on the table and got a knife out of the drawer next to the refrigerator.

Desert Doe turned back to the dish. She carefully and quietly lifted the tin foil.
The refrigerator light shined bright on the dish like a spotlight.

It was the supper ham!

Desert Doe cut a thick strip off the ham. She placed the strip in her mouth, closed her eyes and then sighed deeply and very contentedly. She hadn't even started chewing yet.

After a few seconds, Desert Doe opened her eyes and began chewing. At first, she chewed slowly, and then gradually a little faster.

Shellie watched as Desert Doe swallowed. She had never seen anyone swallow with such pleasure.

Desert Doe cut another strip off the ham and ate it. Then another, and another, and another. She stood there eating ham for at least a full ten minutes. Finally, she seemed sated.

She rewrapped the ham in the tin foil, placed it back in the refrigerator, cleaned the knife and placed it back in the utensils drawer exactly as she had found it. She checked the refrigerator to make sure it was closed properly. She tiptoed past Shellie, opened the kitchen door, exited and quietly closed it behind her.