The Day It Rained Pineapples Pears

(Chapter 4 from the book "The Chicken Who Didn't Know Where to Lay Her Eggs")

When Paula's grandson, Tadpole, was four, his mother, April, gave him a book of tales about the Middle Ages. Ever since, he had been fervent about anything involving the Middle Ages. He bought every book he could find on the topic. He spent hours on the computer playing Middle Ages games and visiting websites about Middle Ages.

He also had also a sizeable collection of movies about the Middle Ages. He had them arranged alphabetically and color-coded by theme on the shelf in his bedroom. When he came down to stay with Mike and Paula, he always brought several of the movies with him.

Paula let him watch them as much as he wanted. She also let him do just about anything else he desired. April often told her mother that she needed to be stricter with him. But he was her grandson. Besides, he also reminded her of her own son at that age. Tadpole even looked a little like her own son.

Tadpole's movies included The Fall of the Roman Empire, Alfred the Great, Anchoress, Braveheart, The Lion in Winter, Sister Sun/Brother Moon, The Name of the Rose, Le retour de Martin Guerre, and The Navigator. He also had five different movies about Robin Hood, and – his all time favorite – Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

He knew all the movies forward and backward. He knew when they were made, who made them, and who played all the characters. When he watched them, he would lie in his Middle Ages-motif sleeping bag on the floor in front of the TV and recite the lines along with the characters. He knew every line in every movie. He had even taught himself to speak in a British accent when he spoke the lines.

As Tadpole lay there on the floor, Dingo would lie on one side of him and Shellie would sit on the other. Every ten minutes or so, Tadpole would pet Dingo and Shellie. Sometimes he would turn to them and recite the lines directly to them or ask them what they thought about the movie.

He would turn to Dingo and ask, "And what do you think, Mister Flippity-Dippity-Do-Dog?" He often called Dingo the Mister Flippity-Dippity-Do-Dog. There was no special reason for calling Dingo that. Dingo certainly couldn't turn flips. But Tadpole liked saying it.

Or he would turn to Shellie and say, "And what's your opinion, Miss Shellie-Minelli-With-Corn-In-Her-Belly?"

Shellie understood the "Corn-In-Her-Belly" part. But she didn't know where the "Minelli" part came from. She certainly couldn't sing like Liza Minelli.

When Tadpole called Dingo and Shellie their special names, they never said anything. But they enjoyed the whole movie-watching experience anyway. Tadpole liked Shellie and Dingo, and they liked him. The only other person who talked to them in such comforting tones was Paula.

One afternoon in late August, April had a dentist appointment and had to do some shopping. She dropped Tadpole off to stay with Paula.

As usual, Tadpole brought a Middle Ages movie with him. This time it was Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

He soon took his place in his Middle Ages sleeping bag in front of the TV with Shellie on one side and Dingo on the other.

As the movie ran, he recited the lines along with the actors. Occasionally, he turned to Shellie and Dingo to recite the lines to them, pet them or call them their pet names.

About halfway through the movie, his eyes lit up even more than usual. He suddenly turned to Shellie and said, "Miss Shellie-Minelli-With-Corn-In-Her-Belly, I've got a good idea."

He watched the rest of the movie, then carefully put it away in the DVD jacket like he always did.

"Want to go down to the shop for a while?" he asked Shellie and Dingo.

Tadpole spent a lot of time down at the shop. That was part of his normal routine when he came to stay with Paula. He would first watch a Middle Ages movie and then spend a couple of hours down at the shop building something with all the tools Mike had there.

Dingo immediately jumped up, pricked up his ears and wagged his tail. He loved going to the shop. Besides being a shop, it was home to many mice and rats and squirrels and other creatures that Dingo loved to hunt and chase.

Shellie stayed where she was. She didn't go to the shop unless she had no choice, not anymore at least. She used to go down there all the time with Tadpole and Dingo. But that had changed after a four-foot oak snake had almost caught her there one day.

Neither Tadpole nor Dingo had much fear of the snake. But Shellie felt otherwise. Particularly since the snake had grown even more since he had last chased her. Shellie had decided it was simply better for her health and well-being to spend her time somewhere else besides the shop.

After Tadpole and Dingo left the house, Shellie went to the kitchen where Paula was canning pineapple pears. The two pear trees in the backyard were heavy with fruit this year. The pears were ripe and falling on the ground. Paula had gone out to the trees that morning and filled up three bucket. She had decided to make a pear cobbler for supper and to can the rest of the pears for the winter months. Mike greatly enjoyed canned pineapple pears in the middle of winter.

Shellie stayed in the kitchen with Paula for about an hour. But when Paula started heating up the large pots of water to cook the jars of pears in, Shellie decided it would be cooler outside. She left through the dog door, went around to the front yard, and took her usual place under the banana tree.

Shellie spent a lot of time lying under the banana tree. It offered a number of advantages for a chicken. It provided lots of good shade and kept the ground cool. Plus, it was the perfect place to watch everything that went on in the front yard. Shellie could doze away there in great comfort, yet immediately see if anything or anyone came up the driveway. Also, lots of insects were attracted to the tree.

Shellie could often lie there and just wait until an insect came by. She didn't even need to stand up to catch one. Shellie particularly liked eating lady-bugs, and the banana tree attracted lots of them.

After about half an hour under the banana tree and having eaten four or five lady-bugs, Shellie began to doze off. It was a warm day but the cool shade of the banana tree and the cool ground under her belly made her drowsy.

She closed her eyes and heard the faint sounds of Tadpole hammering away on something down at the shop. She could also occasionally hear Paula rattling some of the jars of pineapple pears in the kitchen.

Shellie felt safe and content. She soon dropped off to sleep and started dreaming about sweet, juicy lady-bugs crawling toward the shade of the banana tree. In her dream, she was about ready to nab one when she heard a loud sound.

"WHHHHHOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"

Shellie opened her eyes, jumped up and looked around. At first she didn't see anything.

Then she heard the sound of something heavy and fast flying through the air behind her.

"WHHHHHOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"

It was exactly the same sound as before.

Shellie jerked her head around to see what it was.

There lay a smashed, overripe pineapple pear not three feet from where Shellie had been lying.

"WHHHHHOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"

Another one! This one hit the ground about ten feet away.

Shellie looked up in the sky. There was no pear tree here in the front yard. The only pear trees anywhere near were the two in the back yard. They were at least 200 yards away. Shellie knew that there was no way that pears could fall that far from the trees. She also knew that the banana trees didn't bear pears of any kind.

As Shellie was looking upward, she saw something she had never seen before. A large, overripe pineapple pear came flying over the roof of the house.

The pear started falling toward her. Just in time, Shellie jumped to the side. The pear landed right where she had been standing.

Shellie let out a very loud squawk.

Another pear came flying over the roof.

Shellie squawked again.

Then another pear, and another and another.
Shellie squawked loudly each time and ran around the side of the house toward the kitchen. The banana tree was clearly no longer a safe place to snooze.

Paula had heard the first squawk but not paid it any attention. Even the second squawk hadn't bothered Paula much. After all, chickens squawk and Shellie was a chicken. But the third and fourth squawk made her suspicious.

Paula stuck her head out the front door and saw Shellie running toward the side of the house.

"Shellie!" Paula called. "What in the world is wrong?"

Right then, another pineapple pear came flying over the house. It flew right into the banana tree and broke off one of the giant leaves that provided shade for Shellie.

"Shellie, get in the house!" Paula cried. She held the front door open. Shellie changed directions and came running inside as fast as she could go.

"WHHHHHOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"

Another pear hit the ground, this time about ten feet from the banana tree.
Paula walked out into the front yard and looked upward.

Shellie watched her from behind the front door.

Paula suddenly jumped to the side.

"WHHHHHOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"

Another pear hit just a couple of feet from where she had been standing.

"My God!" Paula swore, and she wasn't a woman who swore a lot. She often got onto Tadpole for saying such things, although it was largely a losing battle since both Mike and April swore frequently.

Another pear came flying over the roof of the house as Paula stood there.

Paula didn't hurry for much of anything, but today she hurried toward the back yard.
For a few seconds, Shellie didn't hear anything.

"WHHHHHOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!" Another pear hit the ground.

Then Shellie heard Paula scream, "Stop that! You're gonna kill somebody!"

Shellie listened carefully. She could hear Paula fussing at somebody. The fussing went on for a couple of minutes. Shellie rarely heard her fuss in such a manner.
But at least the flying pears stopped. No more came flying over the roof.

Shellie ran through the house and ventured carefully out of the dog door. She looked up to see if any pears were falling there. Fortunately, the pear storm seemed to have ended.

Shellie cautiously left the house through the dog door. She saw Paula, Tadpole and Dingo standing there. Paula had a very serious, almost angry look on her face. She was saying something very stern to Tadpole.

Tadpole had a guilty expression on his face. He looked like he wished he were far away, perhaps in one of the countries where the Middle Ages had taken place.
As Shellie got nearer, she saw a pail of pineapple pears on the ground. Beside it lay a strange looking contraption.

She took a closer look. She realized she had seen one like it before. It was a smaller version of one she had seen in one of Tadpole's movies about the Middle Ages. In the movies, warriors had used the contraption to catapult stones and large clumps of burning wood into castles or cities they were trying to defeat.

The contraption made Shellie shudder. In one of Tadpole's movies, she had even seen a warrior using the contraption to catapult dead chickens over a castle wall.