Electronic Begonia

(Chapter 11 from the book "The Chicken Who Didn't Know Where To Lay Her Eggs")

Shellie, Dingo, and Mike all rejoiced at having Paula back home. It felt like a cool autumn breeze finally breaking the stifling hold of the endless dog days of summer. They all felt lighter and more energetic than they had in months.

The best part was that Paula was back to her old self. Whatever the problem had been, it was now gone. She again got up at 6:30 every morning. She was always cheerful and in a good mood. She cleaned house after cooking breakfast. She wrote e-mails and surfed the web. She watched television, particularly baseball, with Shellie sitting on her lap. She cooked baked chicken and Shellie's garlic eggs when the preacher and his family dropped by unexpectedly for supper. And she took Shellie and Dingo fishing at least once a week.

Shellie and Dingo quickly regained some weight. So did Mike. All three of them had gradually slimmed down more than they needed to during Paula's absence. They had all eaten during that period, but food hadn't seemed to have much flavor. They had eaten only enough to get by. Otherwise, their meals hadn't had much pleasure.

The only one who definitely hadn't lost any weight was Begonia.

Begonia was a wild sow that lived back in the swamp. She had first come to the farm three years earlier as a young, 25-pound pig. Now, after three years of luxurious living with as many good things to eat as any hog could possibly hope for, she weighed at least 250 pounds. At least that's what the researchers thought. They had to admit that 250 pounds was, in truth, little more than a scientific guess. They hadn't actually seen Begonia in three years. No one had. The only proof that anyone had that Begonia was there and getting ever bigger was the larger and larger pig stools that she left behind. The researchers had confirmed that the sausage-shaped stools belonged to Begonia by doing DNA tests on them.

Over the three years that Begonia had been on the farm, she had turned into a very large sore point between Mike and the researchers. When the researchers had originally brought her to the farm, they had ensured Mike that she would stay just one year and then they would take her back. That hadn't happened. The researchers had certainly tried to catch Begonia. There was only one problem. Begonia had always outsmarted them.

The researchers were a team of Ph.D.s from the state university. Three years earlier, they had contacted Mike and asked him to participate in what they called a "Porcine Behavioral Pattern Research Project".

At first, Mike had refused. Mike was highly cautious about getting involved in any sort of project that he didn't have complete control of. He was also suspicious about any human whom he hadn't known since childhood. And he was particularly suspicious about anyone with a Ph.D. behind their name. To him, Ph.D. was just a short way of saying "too smart to do any real work".

However, the Ph.D.s eventually applied peer pressure. They convinced five other neighboring farmers to participate in their project. And then they got those farmers to work on Mike.

Mike balked at the other farmers when they first appealed to him. But they didn't give up. They kept visiting him on a regular basis. They all reminded him that they had all known each other since they were boys. They told him that the results of the project would benefit them all, and, besides, their names would get published in the final paper that would be written about the project. The only other public venue several of them had ever had their name published was in the police roster.

Mike wasn't at all interested in getting his name published in a paper. But he finally gave in to the appeals of the other farmers. They eventually convinced him that the results of the project would help him get rid of an annoying problem that all of them had: wild hogs that kept destroying their crops and causing lots of other damage on their farms.

After Mike finally agreed to join in, all six of the farmers met with the researchers to sign an official agreement. According to the agreement, the researchers would release one pig on forested area on each of the farms. Each pig would be tagged with a GPS signalling device in its ear. The researchers would then track the pigs for a year. They would determine their eating, sleeping, and roaming habits and patterns, and, most important, they would determine why wild hogs were so good at not getting caught. After the researchers got their results, they planned to devise new ways of catching even the most evasive wild hog.

One by one, the farmers and the researchers signed the agreement. About two weeks later, the researchers brought the six pigs to the farms. The researchers had named the six pigs Otis, Grunt, Magnolia, Peanut, Tubbs, and Begonia. Begonia had been assigned to Mike and Paula.

When the researchers came to release Begonia on Mike's land, Mike, Paula, Shellie, and Dingo went with them down to the edge of the forest.

Before the researchers let Begonia out of the pen on their truck, Paula, Shellie and Dingo walked over to take a look at her.

Paula held Shellie in her arms as they studied Begonia. Dingo stood beside them. He was unusually subdued. He didn't try to bark at her or get near her cage. He seemed to sense that she was not a creature to chase.

Begonia was white with a few black and brown spots. She had a red-and-black GPS tag in one ear. She didn't squeal or make any noise. She just sat there in the pen and watched what was going on around her. She didn't seem frightened or excited. If anything, she appeared haughty.

She directed her gaze at Paula and Shellie. She first stared Paula in the eyes. Then she let her eyes settle on Shellie. She sat there completely still for a moment.
Shellie looked at Paula and then back at Begonia. Begonia made her feel somehow uncomfortable, as if Shellie were looking at a superior being who not only knew that she was superior but also knew how to use it to her advantage.

Then Begonia turned to the side and let her eyes roam over the men standing there. After she had looked at them all, she raised her head high and looked at Paula and Shellie again. She let out a sharp noise that sounded very close to a "Harumph!". It was as if to say "They're only men. Without us women, they're nothing."

Paula turned to her husband and said, "That pig's smarter than you think."

Mike didn't say anything. Neither did the researchers. They just gave each other quizzical looks.

The researchers lowered the pen to the ground and opened the door. Begonia looked at them as if to say "So what?"

Shellie had to admit that she had never seen such a cocky and arrogant pig in her life.

One of the researchers finally had to crawl into the pen to shoo her out. Begonia still didn't budge. She sat there with her rear in one corner of the pen. Her hind feet stuck out in front of her and projected slightly upward, as if they were outfitted with stilettos.

The researcher crawled over to her and put an arm around her. Begonia didn't resist. The researcher lifted her up, brought her out of the pen, took her over to the edge of the forest and set her down.

Begonia just stood there. She didn't try to run away or follow them. She just stood and watched them, as if to say "What have I got to be hurried about? I've got all the time in the world."

The researchers put the pen back on their truck and wrote some data in their research books. The head of the project finally said, "Well, that's it. She's now free for a year. One of us will be back tomorrow to start our tracking."

The researchers got in their vehicles and drove off.

Mike, Paula, Shellie and Dingo followed them in the SUV.

Shellie and Paula took a look back as they drove off.

Begonia was still standing there, watching them. She stuck her nose high in the air, took a sniff, and snorted loudly.

At that moment, Shellie realized she rather liked Begonia.


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During the next year, the researchers spent a large part of their time on the six farms. They tracked the GPS patterns of the pigs day and night. They drew up detailed maps about the pigs' movements. They created piles and piles of documents containing detailed statistical data about where the pigs went, what routes they took, how much time they spent in the forest as compared to Mikes' fields, where they slept, how much they slept, the areas they avoided, and how their behavior changed as they aged.

When the year was over, the researchers came back to wrap up their study. They brought a large pen for capturing the pigs they had released a year before.
The researchers set up the pen near where they knew each of the pigs slept. They baited it with special feed that no pig could resist: a mixture of crushed corn, crushed wheat, a bit of salt, and honey.

Within two days, the researchers had caught their first pig. It was a Tubbs. When they had released him, he had weighed 20 pounds. He now weighed nearly 75 pounds. He was extremely healthy except for a few parasites. Living in the wild had seemed to suit him well.

During the next two weeks, the researchers caught four more of the pigs. All were also healthy and quite a bit larger than at their release. None had suffered from their year in the wild.
That only left Begonia.

The researchers set up their pen on Mike's land at a spot about 500 yards from where they knew Begonia usually slept. They placed a large amount of their special honey bait in it.

They came back the next day. Begonia hadn't been caught.

She was also not there the second day.

The researchers decided to give her time. They said the forest and swamp were pretty big, and it might take her a few days to find the pen.

They came back after a week. Begonia still hadn't been caught.

The researchers finally decided to track her down.

They went home for the weekend, and came back on Monday. They brought some powerful tracking tools with them. They came equipped with handheld receivers that would let them pick up the signal from Begonia's GPS device in realtime. They said they would definitely have her by the end of day.

The researchers went down to the edge of the swamp. They turned on their receivers and soon picked up Begonia's signal. She was on the other side of the swamp.

The five researchers spread out in a semi-circle and began to close in on Begonia. They knew Mike had a solid fence on the other side of the swamp. All they had to do was corral Begonia against the fence, tranquilize her with a tranquilizing gun, and load her up.

The swamp was slow going for the researchers. It was far wetter than they had expected. After almost two hours, they all came back to put on hip boots to wade through the water.

After they got their hip boots on, they checked Begonia's position again. This time, their receivers said she had moved about half a mile toward the south.
The researchers spread out again and headed after her. Each of them carried a handheld receiver.

After nearly an hour of wading through high water, the researchers felt they would soon be done with their work. Their receivers told them that Begonia was only 500 yards in front of them.

The researchers began to close in and tighten their half-circle. They checked their receivers. Begonia was only 200 yards in front of them.

They closed in a little more. The head of the team called Mike and told him they almost had her.

After another 100 yards, all five of the researchers could see each other. Their receivers told them that Begonia was right in front of them.

The head of the team got his tranquilizer gun ready. He told the others to close in on Begonia and run her in his direction.

The others slowly walked closer to the source of the signal. They got to within 80 yards of Begonia. They kept going. Soon, she was only 60 yards away. Then 50.
Then something unexpected happened. The signal disappeared.

All of the researchers changed the position of their receivers. A couple of them picked up two more beeps, and then the signal disappeared again.

They looked at each other in disbelief. They all turned around a full 360 degrees with their receivers in hand.

They picked up no signal at all.

The researchers checked their receivers. They decided that there must be a satellite problem.

They called the university to find out what had happened to the satellite. The university checked with the satellite operators.

The operators said there was no problem with the satellite. They said it was in perfect working order.

The researchers spread out through the swamp again. They figured some glitch had slipped into the system at the critical moment. They figured they simply had to locate Begonia again and get her. They at least knew she was there.

For the next two hours, the researchers traipsed through the swamp in their hip boots. Finally, when the sun started going down, the head of the team summoned them all together and told them they had to quit for the day.

He told them they would go back to the hotel for the night, check with the university again about the problem, and come back tomorrow.

When they called the university that night, they were again told that no problem had been found with the satellite.

The next morning, they showed up at sunup. They wanted to get an early start, catch Begonia early in the morning, and head back home.

Things started out good. They picked up Begonia's signal within half an hour. Once again, they put on their hip boots and started out. This time, Begonia's signal showed her to be in the north corner of the swamp.

The five researchers again spread out in a semi-circle and set out. After about an hour, their receivers showed them that they were only 500 yards from Begonia.
The researchers started closing in again.

They got within 400 yards and then 300 yards. The signal from Begonia was strong.
They tightened their circle.

Suddenly, at no more than 200 yards, her signal disappeared again.

All five of the researchers checked their receivers again. This ti
me, they didn't even get a few final beeps. Begonia seemed to have disappeared completely.

The researchers marched from one side of the swamp to the other for the rest of the day. They didn't pick up even one signal from Begonia.

Late that afternoon, they called it quits for the day. They told Mike they would have to go back to the university, find out what was wrong, and come back the next week.

They did exactly that, with a bigger team of researchers.

But even that wasn't enough.

Begonia did the exact same thing. She simply vanished when they got near.
Over the next three months, the researchers came back several more times. Each time, they picked up a signal, got close to Begonia, and then she disappeared.

Finally, the head of the department at the university told the researchers they had used up all their funds for the project. He told them they would just have to forget about Begonia. He told them that five pigs out of six were good enough.

After that, Mike was stuck with Begonia. He knew she was there because she regularly left tracks in his fields and rooted up his plants. She particularly liked the very young, tender plants that were just sprouting. She also liked to raid the corn and peanut fields once the plants began to yield their fruit.

After almost a year, Mike finally decided to get rid of her his way. He called the other five farmers and invited them over for day of a pig hunting. He asked them to bring all their guns and their best hunting dogs.

That day, all five of Mike’s neighbors showed up. They each brought a rifle or a shotgun and a total of 22 dogs: 9 beagles, 8 pointers, two labradors, two golden retrievers and a blue-tick hound.

Paula told her husband, "Don't shoot her if you don't have to."

Mike replied, "We'll see."

Shellie shuddered at the thought of what Mike and his cohort's were doing. She hated the sight and sound of guns. She prayed that Begonia somehow got away. To her, Begonia was far too nice a pig to come to such a horrible end.

The six farmers all set off after Begonia.

After a couple of hours, the beagles picked up her scent. They took off in her direction. They led the six farmers and the other dogs toward the south end of the swamp.

Mike figured his problems were nearly over. Begonia might be able to outsmart a whole university of Ph.D.s and GPS receivers, but she certainly couldn't outsmart six farmers with equipped with guns and 22 dogs.

The dogs started yipping and closed in on Begonia. The farmers were right behind them.

They finally reached a spot with a thicket of bushes about 50 feet wide. The dogs formed a circle around the thicket and barked excitedly.

The farmers slowly closed in with the dogs at their side.

All they had to do was run Begonia out and they had her.

They crept closer and closer.

Suddenly, the dogs stopped barking. They looked around somewhat confused.

The farmers kept moving forward. Soon they all stood face-to-face in the middle of the brush.

They all stared down at what was in front of them. It was a three-foot-wide hole that opened into a deep underground cavern.

There was no sign of Begonia.