Punching Bag Punches Back

Today was my first day back at work after being away three-and-a-half weeks for surgery. This, of course, meant that I had to spend most of the day accepting the awkward welcomes and forced sympathy of my colleagues... and sidestepping the it's-downright-killing-me curiosity of the department's world-class gossipers.

Yes, I, too, felt awkward in several cases, but not when it came to the gossip-mongers. In their case, I downright enjoyed playing with their nosy little minds. As a general rule, I don't bring my personal life or health concerns to work. I learned long ago that most people are much too busy with their own lives to expend any precious energy on trying to fix whatever is going on in mine. But then there are the those others, the gotta-know types. Not only do they want to know what is going on, but they also want to tell you how to fix it.

So, there, now you know for sure: The road to hell is, indeed, paved with good intentions. And I am now convinced more than ever that the highway construction team that built that road is made up of the gossip-mongers from my office.

The dynamics behind all of this are quite interesting, and they boil down to this: The very same people who are bending over backward and expending their precious resources to help me with some problem which I did not even know was a problem are, amazingly, incapable of resolving the far less complex problems that are continuously plaguing their own lives.

So this leads to the obvious question: Are these people really that clueless about how all of this works?

Personally, I think the answer to that question is a resounding "No!"

In their deepest soul, I think these corporate Oprahs have an inherent understanding of what they are doing, but they are to unable to confront themselves about it and are just too chicken to implement the perhaps harsh measures that would get them out of their vicious cycle.

In their heads, some tiny little voice keeps whispering that although they may not be able to solve their own problems, they are certainly better-than-certified to assist someone else who has far less important but far more manageable problems than themselves, in other words, me.

When they hand out their words of wisdom, they immediately feel a warm rush of meaningfulness/worthiness/fulfillment/superiority/righteousness throughout their entire bodies, even down to the very tips of their ten little fingers and ten little toes. And this feeling keeps flowing through their bodies all day long ... or at least until they come home for the day and again find themselves face-to-face with their own monster of problems. Once again finding themselves in the same ol' familiar cul-de-sac, they immediately run away and hope to escape their hopeless situation by collecting as much gossip as possible about others and then offering their services up as psychological consultant to the infinitely less needy.

To me, all of these gossipers are suffering from the "fix it" syndrome. They feel so threatened by the world at large that they do their best to control every possible aspect of it. They feel compelled to bring about order, under the illusion that this is actually going to give them peace of mind. So they gossip so that they will be as well equipped as possible with every last bit of information available just in case one of those tiny details proves to the watershed between disaster and heaven on earth. Oh yes, it's the old heaven-on-earth thing. Go figure.

Some of you may be saying, "Well, why not just simply ignore them?"

I agree with you, some of the time. Some "fix-it" types can indeed be shaken loose merely by not acknowledging their remarks. Indeed, as soon as another possible source of gossip sails into the harbor, these types rush off to pump information out of the new darling and they begin to leave me alone.

But then there are the "never-quit" types: No matter how many times I leave their questions unanswered or avoid their attempts to provoke me, they just are not going to give up. No matter what other interesting things may have happened in the meantime, they determinedly remain dedicated to prying information out of me. If I don't give them what they want, they turn nasty by spreading false information about me. I know that they do this because, on the one hand, it lets them relish in a bit of revenge, and, on the other hand, they hope that this tactic will get me to open up, in defense of myself if for no other reason.

If things do get this out of hand, I usually do go on the offensive. One tactic that works in some cases is to respond to their queries with the following statement of one-upmanship: "I really and truly do not mind sharing my own personal challenges with you, but I hear that you are facing much more serious and difficult problems yourself, and I would never want to burden you with my such minor problems in comparison."

If they get frantic and ask, "What problems?!!!," I respond by assuring them that I respect them so much that I do not want to risk doing harm to our friendship by delving into the matter any further and by perpetuating rumors that are most probably untrue anyway. This usually leaves them confused enough that they run away to pump someone else about any rumors circulating about them.

This approach is successful about 25% of the time.

By this time, most of the problem personalities have been effectively quieted or neutralized. Yet, there seem to be a few tough characters against whom no tricks of mine hit the bull's eye. So, with them, I simply take the high road by publicly and privately complimenting them at every occasion possible on their intelligence, their innovation, their productivity, their resourcefulness, their teamwork capabilities and any other aspects I can think of. On the one hand, this helps convince them that I certainly do not represent a threat to them, thus leaving them with plenty of time to worry about someone else who may begin to threaten them. On the other hand, it makes me looks like such a team player and wimp that only a fool would consider me to be a threat to anyone.