Always in Search of a Good Buffet

I think the laziest bird on earth must be the seagull. They seem to do everything they can to avoid having to work for their food.

For example, instead of circling in the fresh air over the open ocean in lookout for a live fish to nab, seagulls go the city dump. And as if to kick dust in the eyes of the embarrassment of riches they find there, they fill their bellies and then decide to work a bit of it off by flying in circles over the great mounds of rubbish. Once they have burned up enough calories to have only half a stomach full, they casually drift back down for another course in an infinite meal. There's so much food available that the gulls never have to worry about fighting for it.

But there are other ample and reliable sources of meals as well. One of their favorite is the fleet of fishing boats that takes to the open waters each morning. Those fishermen work darn hard, especially since fishing is becoming less and less profitable. But that doesn't bother those seagulls one bit. As soon as they see the boats leaving port early each morning, they stake out the most promising looking one and stick with it. They know that the fishermen always catch a great deal of trash fish which they toss back into the ocean. The gulls immediately swoop down in a mad frenzy to grab as much of the free meal as they can. For millenia now, seagulls have practiced and refined this trade. I doubt that many of these gulls have ever caught a live fish. They've probably even forgotten how.

I know that some of you out there must the thinking that pigeons, not seagulls, are the laziest birds in the sky, or perhaps more accurately, on the ground. But I beg to differ. Pigeons at least go to a lot of trouble to keep up appearances. Just look at them. They are beautiful. They have such delicate features and their suit of clothes ranges the gamut from royal turquoise to autumn brown to winter white to hundreds of shades of blues and greens and, of course, the always fashionable basic black. Plus, they seem to put a lot of effort into ensuring that they are always well-kept.. I could easily imagine them fussing around in front of a full-body mirror for an hour each morning before they set foot in public. And they have such delicate eating habits. Instead of gulping down an entire fish in one gulp, they peck at tiny bits of food until it is even tinier. This can go on and on until the perfect morsel is finally crafted. I'm surprised that the poor things are not anorexic.

Then take a look at seagulls. They look like they all pulled on the first white T-shirt they could find each morning. Day after day, week after week, year after year, they wear the same damn Fruit of the Loom shirt. Not much fashion sense there, huh?

Furthermore, seagulls, if anyone, could benefit from seeing a cosmetic surgeon for a few snips, nips and tucks. First, they could go in for several sessions of beak reduction. Perhaps they could also invest in some contact lenses to make their eyes appear a cool, gentle blue rather than that harsh, almost nasty, faded yellow that makes their pupils look beadier than they really are.

When I lived in the San Francisco Bay area, I took a boat tour of the bay one week-end. The clearest memory of have of the trip involves a seagull. After having filled himself on goodies that my fellow passengers had tossed up in the air at him (I do have to admit that he was a talented catcher), he (or she? who knows) looked for a placed to rest. As if in a movie script, there just happened to be a spot right at the front tip of the boat. He lit down and faced forward with his face lifted up to the wind and sky, happy as any leading lady. Which led me to conclude that, in addition to being the laziest birds on earth, seagulls are also the biggest ornithological drama queens in the universe. No wonder the Titantic sank.

And one last thing: Always remember the Alfred Hitchcock movie Birds and the major role that seagulls played in it. No matter which way you look at it, you always come back to one unsettling thought: Just what kind of bird could be so low and demonic as to try to peck the living daylights out of the lovely Tippi Hedren?